How to Stop Arguing With Your Husband or Wife

5 Ways to Stop Arguing with Your Spouse

How to Stop Arguing With Your Husband or Wife
2019-03-28 2019-03-28

By Corine Gatti corine gatti

Are you the one always ready to take the gloves off and fight? Maybe you were on the debate team in school and relish going toe-to-toe with people on any given subject. This may have spilled into your personal life and the arguments with your spouse keep on mounting.

The aftermath can leave you devastated, depressed, fatigued and unstable. Sometimes the arguments are so bad and frequent that your spouse may just shut down. The good news is everyone argues in a relationship, but on the flip side there might need to be damage control.

You can interrupt the cycle with or without your spouse’s participation. Suggested ideas are walking away; going to bed mad, expressing love and letting things go should be considered. Boundaries need to be drawn as well. There are things that you should not tolerate.

Emotional abuse, physical abuse and verbal abuse are red flags of potentially more serious things to come. If that is the case, seek support. If not, here are 5 things you can do to stop arguing.

There is a reason they tell people to walk away when an argument reaches a fever pitch. Find another time to talk if you are struggling with emotions. We say so much in the heat of the moment and revisiting it at another time helps.

First de-escalate the situation by stopping yourself from adding any more ammo to the argument. This helps you gain a better sense of control when emotions are running high. Pick a time that works for both of you not before work or after a long day.

By reacting this way it helps you gain more control of the situation.

Stop using words that feel an attack. If you use the “I” statements, it will be less accusatory and you both might stop a tiff before it gets hot. Examples of “You” statements are “Stop doing that,” “You should,” or “You always” will put the person on the defense.

The “You” accusations never work, it makes people feel guilty. Tone also matters. “If what you say doesn’t match your tone, then the message is usually not heard because mixed signals are given. Consistency is important in communication,” Drexel University found.

Play offense by eliminating the “You” when you feel an argument brewing and see what happens.

We’ve been told that going to bed mad is not the correct course of action. However, relationship experts believe that resolving anger before you go to bed is not a good idea. Research showed that people who went to bed after a tiff where better equipped to handle the problem. The reason is that there is little time to diffuse and to get rid of negative emotions.

We can't process it that fast. When you wait until the next day, it allows you enough time to rest and to think. “One night of sleep can help enhance our decision-making abilities, as our brains are able to elaborate on several different ways to solve a problem,” Women’s Health reported. Try backing off and revisit the conversation later on.

You both will appreciate it.

If you want to diffuse a fight fast, you can show affection. Showing affection releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin. Oxytocin stimulates endorphins and it has a calming effect on people and can relieve pain.

Put your hand on your spouse’s shoulder or knee. If you are brave try offering a hug. This can really take the sting the fight. Reconnecting through touch can end augments before it gets control. Sometimes that is all it takes.

Try being a lover not a fighter and see where it takes you.

You have to remember what is important. If arguments are over how dirty the kitchen is or why it is raining–you got it pretty good. Step back and reevaluate the situation, is it really worth fighting over? If needed, address it at a more appropriate time not when you are tired.

You may realize that the relationship is pretty good! Look at the bigger picture and focus on the positives their kindness, reliance and patience with you. This will shift your attention when you remember the dishwasher is still full.

A sloppy spouse is better than not having one at all.

The American Psychological Association recommended that you need to maintain the marital bond despite the arguing.

We all have arguments, but there are some debates that are not worth having if they end up brewing up a storm. Be preemptive and stop yourself from going all in for an argument.

By pressing pause, you can better assess if it is worth the fight. A marriage is always more valuable than winning an argument.

Corine Gatti-Santillo is a freelance digital journalist, editor, and content producer. She is also the The Christian Post Voices Editor. She is also a former editor at

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How to STOP Fighting With Your Husband

How to Stop Arguing With Your Husband or Wife

Fighting in a marriage, or perhaps dealing with marital conflict, is an inevitable part of being married. Even the healthiest of marriages will find couples arguing with each other at times. Some even say that disagreements between spouses are an essential ingredient in a marriage relationship (and I agree!).

While avoiding conflict isn’t a necessary thing (I’m not even sure this is possible), learning to handle arguments, disagreements, and fighting in a marriage are skills that are vitally important. If you’re wondering whether it’s normal for couples to fight, argue, and disagree, really it is.

Therefore, learning some ways to deal with fighting in marriage is something all married couples must do.

Let’s face it, being married is hard sometimes. If you are my husband and I you would be opposites, which works really great at times.

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Here’s what opposites can look in a marriage.

Maybe one of you is the spender while the other is the saver. One is the introvert while the other is the life of the party. One is the dreamer while the other is rooted in reality. One person is the active one while the other is more content to find hobbies that don’t require much activity. Maybe one spouse is a health nut while their partner would rather not think about such things.

This list could go on and on, really. For the most part, these are qualities that often work out in a positive way if you are opposites. But there are also times when these traits are no longer an asset, but a liability. There are also the times when spouses could be of the same thinking but end up butting heads when they have just a slightly different thought about something.

When there is friction or fighting, it can be so easy to react right away. It can be a reflex to say or do something that you would later think differently about. Maybe you even respond in a way that you would avoid saying or doing altogether just a minute or two later.

My husband and I have been married for nearly 25 years. In that time, I have come to realize that conflict seems to happen more frequently when the stresses of life seem to close in. And life is plenty full of stress.

Can you relate?

Maybe you just want to know, “How can I stop fighting with my husband?”

Focus only on the issue at hand

It is so easy to bring up a laundry list of the “you always” or “you never” from the past in order to either prove a point or just to evade whatever the current issue is. Of course there is often an element of wanting to be “the winner.” For this reason, it is tempting to draw from things in the past if you feel you are not the one on top in the conflict.

So, keeping focused only on what has caused the argument is important.

This brings me to my second point.

Don’t use the words “always” or “never” as neither will be true

Not ever. Making blanket statements that are just unfair and said in an attempt to wound the other person in most cases.

Focus on whatever the behavior is

Focus on the behavior rather than making it a personal attack on your spouse’s character.

Just when talking to your kids, there is a big difference between saying, “That was a really irresponsible choice,” and, “You are really irresponsible.”

See the difference?

The same is true when you are talking to your spouse.

Discuss a behavior, don’t attack the person as a whole.

Use “I feel” statements

You’ve probably heard this one before, but it is a great one.

Right away, I feel statements come across in a gentle way because you are not attacking. You are simply stating a fact about yourself.

Oftentimes, your spouse may be clueless as to how something they said or did would make you feel. Sometimes stating an “I feel” statement will be the first time they have given any thought to your feelings regarding the issue.

Amazingly, it can be hard to remember that there is a person with feelings behind the person you are arguing with whether it’s your spouse or anyone else. This is just part of being human when we feel wronged, backed into a corner, or hurt.

Focus on what you feel, framing what you say within that context.

Don’t make assumptions about your spouse’s intentions

Saying things , “You only do that to hurt me,” are usually not accurate. Furthermore, they also only put your spouse on the defense and generally give way to an escalating argument.

This same idea would be much better stated as, “I’m not sure what I am supposed to think or feel about this, but this is what I do think and feel. Is this your intention?”

Again, there can often be an a-ha moment on the part of your spouse since they never thought through to your feelings on the matter.

Remember that you are on the same team

This is a huge one. Remember that you are not enemies, and your goal should be to come to an understanding rather to win an argument

Your goal as a husband or wife is to achieve mutual understanding and agreement on moving forward regarding whatever the issue is. When we were at a marriage conference once, it was suggested that my husband and I turn to one another and say, “You are not my enemy.”

This did feel kind of silly, but it works in the heat of a battle since just saying those words to one another helps bring you the thick of the argument and back to the reality of trying to work through things together.

Conflict, arguments, and fighting in a marriage never fun. But these things are part of any relationship at times – including a marriage.

Disagreements can be productive times, however. These experiences can also be times that bring you closer to one another if handled correctly using these few tips. If handled correctly, fighting in a marriage can be the beginning of a deeper understanding between a husband and wife.


Top 6 Ways To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse

How to Stop Arguing With Your Husband or Wife

Arguing, fighting, bickering with your spouse? You’re not alone.

Every married couple argues from time to time.

But when these fights get too frequent or too heated, they can be a one-way ticket to divorce.

Try these 6 simple, effective tips and techniques that will allow you to put to STOP these toxic arguments and ensure they don’t continue to damage or destroy your marriage.

6 Ways To End Arguments With Your Spouse

These 6 tactics I’m about to cover are just a starting point.

Yes, they’re all really helpful in preventing fights with your spouse, so you should start using them immediately… but for most people, this isn’t the only thing that’s contributing to your marriage problems, so you need to address any other issues as well if you want to maintain a happy marriage.

Let’s get started with one of my favorite Dispute Defusing Tactics, which I’ve mentioned in a few previous videos because it’s so effective…

Technique #1: Use The 30-Minute Rule

Angry at your spouse about something?
Ready to flip out and start screaming because of what they did or said?
Or maybe your spouse has started the conflict and you’re ready to fight back….

Well, hold up a second.
Actually, hold up 30 minutes.

Why? Well, I can’t tell you never to get into an argument with your spouse. If you disagree, if you need to stand up for something you believe is important and worth discussing with your spouse, then do it.

But before you do, wait 30 minutes. Don’t do anything special in that time–other than avoid talking about the problem with your spouse–before you begin the discussion.

That 30 minutes will often be enough time to give you some perspective and decide it’s not worth fighting over.

If you do decide to argue, that time will help you cool down and let the emotions settle so you can start the discussion in a civilized, adult manner and prevent things from getting hand.

It’s simple tactics this one that will stop a divorce before it starts.

Technique #2: Take a time-out

If you find yourself in a heated argument with your spouse, then the 30-minute rule isn’t really an option… but you can still take action to make sure the fight doesn’t continue to escalate.

If you’re worried that you or your spouse is going to resort to yelling or personal attacks, you’ll need a way to lessen the intensity of an argument.

A time-out is a great solution to this problem.

Basically, you just need to take a short break during a fight with your spouse to calm your nerves.

Don’t just simply walk the room without explanation–that might make your partner even angrier.

Instead, tell them that you need to take 10 minutes to think about things and calm down before re-engaging in a more respectful, productive discussion.

Not only will this help to calm your nerves, but this will help to calm your partner’s nerves as well.

Technique #3: Go to bed angry

The classic advice–that you should never go to bed angry at your spouse–is just totally ridiculous.

You don’t need to resolve disagreements with your spouse–that has probably been an issue for years already–in a single evening?

Or you need to stay up until 3 am arguing before you can go to bed?

No, obviously that’s a terrible idea.

Feel free to go to bed even when you’re mad at your partner, or they’re angry at you

Sleeping on things can often make the issue go away by itself, or at least give both sides some perspective and a chance to think things over.

RELATED: Is Your Marriage Over? Top 5 Signs You’re Headed For Divorce

Technique #4: Take responsibility for problems affecting your marriage

Hate being wrong? Too proud to admit you might also be part of the problem? Me too.

Trust me, I understand that it can be very tough to admit that you’re wrong about anything. When you’re in a heated argument, sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture or start focusing only on “winning” rather than the real issue at hand… or the affect the argument might have on their partner’s feelings.

Sadly, researchers have proven that the feeling of “being right” or ‘winning’ is never as satisfying as you make it out to be in your mind. And trying to win the argument is often a synonym for trying to hurt your partner.

Instead of trying to win arguments with your spouse, try instead to focus on seeing things from your partner’s perspective.

Aim to come to a positive outcome of some sort, even if that means you need to swallow your pride and “lose.”

When you realize that your partner has a valid concern or that this argument is about something very important to them, you should consider letting them have this victory.

In the free video presentation on my website, I’ll teach you how you can change your spouse’s behaviour without nagging or arguing.

Easier said than done? Yes, but constantly reminding yourself to take a step back and try to see your spouse’s side–and then admit to being wrong or accept a “loss” when it’s necessary to maintain harmony in your marriage–is definitely going to help.

It’s one of the first steps to take if your marriage is in trouble. It could even save your marriage.

Technique #5: Use humour to defuse tension

As I just mentioned, it’s easy to lose yourself in the heat of the moment when you’re arguing with your significant other… and at times things can escalate and become toxic, marriage-threatening fights, even when they initially started over something very minor.

If you’re able to recognize when this is happening in an argument with your partner, humour can be the best way to defuse things and bring back some perspective.

WARNING: You should be careful using this technique when the discussion is about something serious or ongoing… or if you’re fighting over something that’s very important to your spouse… but a lot of the time, a joke or a light-hearted self-deprecating comment and a smile can really calm things down and bring back perspective.

As long as you don’t downplay the issue and make your spouse feel you’re not taking them seriously, cracking a smile or a joke is a great way to cool things down when arguments get heated.

Technique #6: Spend positive time together

I don’t think this last one needs much explanation, because it’s pretty simple… the more you and your spouse spend time arguing, the more you need to spend quality, enjoyable time together to balance things out.

When you finish a big argument, and things have settled down, suggest something to your spouse that you do something fun together the next evening.

No need to make it a big deal, just make sure you make an effort to share some positive, romantic time with one another.

This will help you both remember what you love about one another so that the next time you argue, you’ll remember to be respectful.


How to Communicate With Your Partner Without Fighting (5 Proven Steps)

How to Stop Arguing With Your Husband or Wife

ave you ever had the experience of fighting with your husband or wife and feeling you just keep having the same argument over and over again—but that you're not getting anywhere? Here are five simple, effective, and proven steps to stop arguing with your spouse, partner, husband, or wife, and start communicating effectively.

Five proven steps to communicate without fighting:

It feels you're stuck on a merry-go-round. You’re making no progress, things are getting heated and you’re starting to say things that you don’t mean. You can't explain what you need to your partner or spouse, and trying to talk things through only leads to more fighting.

We all do it! Conflict in any relationship is completely normal.

But how do you stop an argument and calm down enough to reach the point where you can communicate with your spouse—without fighting? 

Particularly if you are a couple who argue constantly, it may seem difficult to imagine a life where you can communicate in your relationship without fighting.

But I promise—it is possible.

To give you a head-start, I've put together five simple, effective, and proven steps to help get your husband or wife to understand what you need and to stop the cycle of fighting.

Understanding and practicing these important communication techniques can help bridge some of those tense moments when trying to talk things through only leads to more fighting, and help you come those hard conversations with your husband, wife, or partner feeling appreciated and understood.

But before that you can break that barrier, it's important that you understand the difference between arguing and communicating.

The difference between arguing and communicating

Many of the married couples I work with in my practice don't understand the subtle difference between arguing and communicating. Arguing is that part of the confrontation where you’re the most angry. Tension builds and suddenly everything escalates. Your instinct is either to stand your ground and fight, or to run away—both natural responses from our “fight or flight” system. 

When we feel threatened, even just verbally or emotionally, the logical part of our brain temporarily shuts down in order to protect ourselves against the attack, figuring out how to return us to an emotionally safe place. This system doesn’t only activate during threats of physical danger—it also activates when we’re emotionally angry, so any perceived attack from your partner will trigger this response.

The problem with this reaction, though, is that it prevents us from effectively communicating what we need.

“This isn’t my fault” or “I don’t know what you’re talking about” may feel natural ways to defend yourself but also means that we get stuck in a cycle of constant arguing.

The difficulty in getting to that calm point often comes down to two issues: 

  • We don’t always know what it is that we need in order to deescalate an argument; and
  • Even if we do understand what we need, it can be a challenge to verbalize that with your partner so that they too understand what you need.

No two people operate in the same way. You’re trying to figure out what you both need and how you can help each other to calm down in order to reach a more effective communication space and work everything out—but you can't do that if you're still in the heat of an argument.

Five proven steps to communicate without fighting

So how do we stop fighting and begin communicating? You need to reactivate that part of your brain by calming down the physical defense response that you’re having. Easier said than done though, right?

Getting there takes time and hard work. But when you practice these communication exercises as a couple, you will start to see progress and reach a point where you can talk to your partner about any relationship problems without fighting.

Here's what you need to do:

#1: Learn what your needs are first

First, make sure you fully understand what you're needing to get your argument. Learning what works best for you is crucial in being able to come back to baseline where that logical part of your brain is back online.

There are plenty of ways to re-calibrate when you’re feeling stuck in that “fight or flight” place.

Take a minute, sit down and ask yourself “what calms me down?” when you’re upset.

That could be listening to music, taking a short walk, calling a friend or playing with your dog. The right answer looks different for everyone – but it's important you keep this in mind each time you get into that cycle of fighting.

#2: Let the storm pass

In the heat of the moment, it can be tempting to try to fix everything straight away. Unfortunately, though, during or immediately after an argument is actually one of the worst times to do it! 

When you’re stuck in defensive mode, fighting and yelling, it’s much harder to make any progress towards a real solution.

When you’re both angry and upset, neither of you will say the most productive thing to change the situation as your brains are focused on protecting you from a threat, not learning and processing.

Instead, give yourselves time and space to relax before you sit down to figure out what happened. Take some time to cool off and let a little time pass before trying to resolve your problem. And when you're ready to talk, you can move on to our next tip—how to communicate what you need to your partner.

#3: Be specific about what you need

When you’ve been with your partner for a while, it’s easy to assume that they know what you’re thinking or vice versa. But what you need isn't always what your partner needs—and unfortunately, none of us are mind readers (at least, I haven't met a couple yet who could!). 

Once you know what it is that calms you down and returns you to your baseline, tell your partner.

By clearly communicating “when I’m upset, I need X”, you are helping your partner to understand you and your needs better. On the flip side, practice your active listening skills and truly hear what your partner needs from your arguments as well.

Here's one example: “when I’m really upset, I need to go out for a quick walk. I need my own space.” Or on the other hand “when I’m upset, I really need you to be with me, give me a hug and tell me that everything’s okay.” It’s really important to be this clear with your partner and, conversely, be open to hearing what their needs are. 

By sharing with each other, you can help get to that place of overcoming poor communication together.

#4: Agree on a plan

When you’re in that part of the fight when you’re both upset and need to calm down, it's important to also reflect on what your partner needs at that moment.

Work with your partner to agree to one thing you’re each willing to try.

By agreeing on one thing to try, you'll be better equipped to help each other resolve the next argument more quickly.

Every couple uses different communication styles. For example, say you shared with your partner “I really need to know that you’re paying attention and that you care about this. When you walk away from me, I panic.” 

Your partner's response could be “I agreed to let you know that I need space and that I’m not walking away from the fight. I want to figure this out but I’m just not in that head space right now. I need a walk before I can really think this through.” 

Knowing these agreed plans ahead of time can help to deescalate the argument and return you both to a calmer place where a solution can be reached.

#5: Recognize your partner’s efforts

Great relationships go both ways – it's important to give your partner credit for the effort they're putting in as well.

During your next argument, take time to acknowledge the effort your partner is putting in.

Make sure you mention any changes you see them making that are helping to improve your communication together. For example, “thank you for trying that, I really appreciate it. I know it’s hard for you to give me space when we’re both upset but it helped me to calm down and talk about this.” 

Verbalizing your genuine appreciation when your partner is trying something new, particularly if it may be hard for them, goes a long way to building healthy communication skills and avoiding future conflict.

Taking control over your natural defensive response when you're already angry or upset is never easy. 

But by working through these communication exercises, you will hopefully move from a place of escalated fighting and saying hurtful words that you don’t mean to a more calm discussion, where you can use the logical part of your brain to make progress for the future on some of those issues.

If you're having trouble knowing how to communicate with your husband, wife, or partner without fighting, you're not alone.

Grab a copy of my free guide with 6 communication skills to improve your relationship, and learn how to improve your relationship communication skills and get closer as a couple today.

And if your relationship needs one-on-one support, then seeing an expert couples counselor can be a great option that doesn't have to cost a fortune.

I know you can do it!


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