- Witty Replies in Game of Thrones
- 15 great ways to respond when a child says, ‘I hate you’
- Toddlers and preschoolers
- School-age kids and teens
- Children with a sense of humor
- The 60 funniest feminist comebacks ever to grace the internet
- 101 Awesomely Good Comebacks for Every Occasion
- 4 Clapbacks For Those Annoying Texts Everyone Hates Receiving | Tinder Swipe Life
- 1. “Wyd?”
- 2. “I’m just at home chillin. Bored haha you should come keep me company.”
- 3. “??”
- 4. “Send me a selfie.”
Witty Replies in Game of Thrones
Game of Thrones has had countless lovable characters who have delivered some of the most memorable and witty dialogues in the history of television shows. Some of the characters have departed in the most shocking ways but some of them are still going strong.
This show has enthralled viewers all over the world for the past 7 seasons and we are already excited for the final season of the series which is due in 2018.
We’ve compiled a list of witty dialogues in Game of Thrones that have been delivered by the characters, we all love or hate.
1. Lord Stark was a noble man, but he did have some tricks up his vocab.
2. Jon Snow does know something.
3. Lord Tyrion, The Undisputed Champion of Talking Drinking and Knowing Things.
4. Littlefinger, outplayed in one of his dirty little games.
5.The rising of the wolf, Sansa.
6. Tyrion’s words burn hotter than wildfire.
7. The Queen’s Power.
8. Though short lived, Robb’s was a strong character.
9. That indifference in Cersie’s tone is so hot.
10. Two of the smartest men in the show have a rather dumb conversation.
11. A typical converstion between The Imp and The Spider.
12. Truer words have never been spoken in the show.
13. An endless journey with a bald eunuch can be a bit too much.
14. One has to have the upper hand over the other.
15. As we mentioned before, either of them have to one up the other.
16. The Imp is always on point.
17. Bronn’s tongue surely has as venomous gland that spwes the wittest remarks.
18. Everyone literally hated Jeoffery.
19. Lord Stark’s poise and calm were no match for Littlefinger’s provokes.
20. Lord Janos blunt as ever.
21. You can never defeat Tyrion in any debate.
22. This was probably Tyrion’s coolest reply.
23. Tyrion, always choosing his words wisely
24. …..and he strikes again
25. Truth serum in person
26. Stannis stating the facts right
27. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves Khaleesi
28. A hand of applause for Tyrion
29. This exchange of thoughts between two great characters
The show has some of the most powerful performances by actors Lena Heady, Peter Dinklage, Kit Harrington, Aiden Gillen, Maise Williams and many countless others that make up the entire cast of the epic.
I am sure this show will be remembered in history as a landmark of television entertainment and leave behind a might legacy that will be dfficult to challenge.
Pease let us know how about our list of Witty Dialogues From The Game of Thrones in the comment section below. We hope you d it.
15 great ways to respond when a child says, ‘I hate you’
You never forget the big milestones: First steps, first words, that first lost tooth and the first time your beloved child looks you square in the face and tells you how much they hate your guts. If it hasn’t happened yet, just wait.
I still remember the first time that my daughter told me that she hated me. Mere moments before, my 3-year-old had been happily digging some Team Umizoomi in her favorite dinosaur PJs, cuddled up to me and pausing once in a while to kiss my cheeks. Then, I did the unthinkable. I told her it was time to brush her teeth. Suddenly: tears. Then: “I hate you! You’re a bad mommy!”
It stung, and I’m big enough to admit that later, even though I knew my toddler had zero concept of the gravity of hatred or cavities, I definitely cried. But not for too long; only about an hour.
Despite working in early childhood education at the time, where I was often told by kids my daughter’s own age how despicable I was, and being armed with enough understanding about child development to know how to respond when I was on the clock, I totally choked.
At the time, I couldn’t do much but stare at her, bewildered, before making it worse by laughing, which is what my lizard brain makes me do anytime I have no idea how to respond to something. Don’t be me. There are much better ways to respond to a child who tells you how much they hate you.
More: She was raised by the Tiger Mom, but she’s not complaining
Toddlers and preschoolers
When kids are young, they don’t really understand what they’re saying to you when they tell you that they hate you, you’re the worst, they never want to kiss you again, wish someone else was their mommy, etc.
They’re typically just mad and their little lizard brains are really underdeveloped, so they just reach for the thing with the biggest impact. At this age, the most important thing is letting your child know that it’s not an all right thing to say, and that you’re not going anywhere.
- “That really hurts my feelings when you say that. We need to use kind words even when we’re mad, OK?”
- “I think that you are very angry right now. After you say sorry to Mommy, I’ll show you some ways to get the mad out without making sad choices saying that.”
- “Wow, you sound really mad! Can you say, ‘I’m really mad,’ instead?”
- “I don’t think you really mean that. Let’s take some deep breaths and find out what you did mean.”
- “Would you a hug or a bubble right now?”
This last one works particularly well for littler kids who might have special needs when it comes to handling their emotions. A hug is what it sounds , and a bubble is an offer of alone time or space without making it a punishment. Sometimes even little kids need a break, so if they ask for a bubble, tell them you’ll be back in a few minutes to talk.
Some kids really just need the adult to end the drama with a hug that lets them know they are still loved, but you should never force a kid to hug you if they aren’t ready to.
Besides taking away whatever control they do have of the situation (which will ly just make them more upset), it also sends a message that their concerns aren’t important and are easily dismissed whenever you’re ready to be done with it.
School-age kids and teens
Once your kid is older, you might notice either an uptick in the frequency of how often your child expresses themselves through the age-old tradition of rage-filled diatribes themed around your guts and how much they hate them (spoiler: a lot), or a decrease. Either they’ve gotten in the habit of communicating in hyperbole (hello, tweendom!), or they realize that the words have a lot of heft and know to bring them out when they’re options.
Here’s where you want to make sure that you’re really hearing them before they get to that point. You also want to encourage them to identify the difference between pissed off and seething with hatred.
There really is one.
It’s also a good idea to encourage them to learn when to walk away and cool down rather than allow themselves to get angry enough to say things they’ll regret, which is something even some adults have trouble with.
More: School bans just about every food there is to “protect” kids with allergies
This is also the age where kids hope that they can fluster you enough to get their way. Boundaries and follow-through are just as important as when they were toddlers, though.
The key is to keep it brief, keep your cool and don’t let the unacceptable stuff slide.
Most importantly, even though it will sometimes be very tempting, you must never ever succumb to the temptation to shout, “Yeah? Well I hate you right back, you little monster!” because that will only make things worse.
- “I’m really sorry that you feel that way, but you’re still going to have to do that chore/finish that paper/give me your phone/whatever.”
- “Did you want to expand on that? I think you’re very angry and I want to help, but I can’t accept being spoken to that.”
- “Wow, you’re clearly pretty mad. Why don’t you come find me when you’re ready to be just mad and not hurtful, too.”
- “I 100 percent believe that you hate cleaning the garbage disposal/not being able to go out with your friends/being grounded, but you need to not confuse that with hating me.”
- “Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact that you have to do what I say. Why don’t you go do it and we’ll talk about this more when you’ve cooled off.”
Children with a sense of humor
Kids don’t always say “I hate you” because they hate you or are enraged or experiencing a surge in hormonal mayhem.
Sometimes they say it for the same reasons we do as adults: because they know that you’ll know they don’t really hate you.
They might hate your Adele impression in a busy department store or your terrible dad jokes or your vanity car horn that blaps out “The Entertainer” when you pick them up from school, but not you.
More: 10 Dangerous teen challenges that could land your kid in the ER
Eye rolls pair well with declarations of despising you, so it’s better to respond in kind.
- “Does this mean I won’t be invited back to the prestigious Momicon ’16 as a guest speaker on how to win momming and make children adore you? And I was so looking forward to it, too.”
- “Sorry, kid, but I’ve got 13 years of macaroni necklaces that say otherwise.”
- “Wanna bet? Minimum ante is two weeks’ allowance, that nice little phone in your pocket there and the next three rounds of dishwasher duty. You in?”
- “Why, because I do this?” And then immediately double down on whatever it is that’s mortifying them.
- “Haters gonna hate,” then, in a whisper: “Hate, hate, hate, hate.” If they roll their eyes, follow that up promptly with a spoken-word rendition of the rest of “Shake it Off.” Repeat until they love you again.
The 60 funniest feminist comebacks ever to grace the internet
If you delve into the misogynist depths of social media and read what some idiots people are saying about us, you’ll quickly come to the conclusion that we’re all unsmiling, embittered, sex-starved, man-hating witches. We keep our hair short, our shoes flat, and our bras brightly aflame.
We mewl and cry over ‘silly’ first world issues (, say, the fact that the USA’s pussy-grabbing president continues to wage war on our reproductive organs). And, of course, we meet in secret and plot to capture every single male human, so that we can chain them up in an underground dungeon and milk them of their semen.
Because, y’know, that’s what abolishing the patriarchy is really all about.
Perhaps the most common complaint about feminists, however, is that we don’t have a sense of humour. “It’s just a bit of banter,” misogynists will tell us, before ordering us to “lighten up” and (our favourite) “give us a smile”.
It goes without saying, of course, that they’ve got it completely wrong: feminists are actually really bloody funny. In fact, we’re probably the most hilarious people on the internet. Don’t believe us? We’ll prove it.
Sit back and relax as we navigate you through the internet’s best, funniest, and – above all else – saltiest feminist comebacks ever.
- Mike fell hook, line and sinker for this one, didn’t he?
- We know some ridiculous people have a problem with female genitalia, and that they’ll go to any lengths to avoid talking about them (or even referring to them by name). However, you’d imagine a book created to educate young girls about their vaginas would have the courage to say so on the front cover.What’s Down There? was the hesitant title applied to a children’s book about vaginas, vulvas, and the – and had a field day over the pictures. When the s of Jameela Jamil and Rosie Bennett took umbrage with the title, though, the book’s publishers were quick to respond.“Please don’t judge our book by its cover,” they said. “Far from skirting around the subject (pun intended), the book’s title was carefully chosen for the exact purpose of highlighting the confusion around the terminology for female genitalia. Inside the books you’ll see all the correct terms.”Fair enough, we suppose – but plenty of the women who responded pointed out that the male equivalent of the book (aptly titled That’s MY Willy) featured two little boys on the front. The girl’s book, however, featured two little boys staring down at a naked girl’s genitalia.“What’s Down There?” someone asked. “[This is something] people say moments before they are killed in a horror film!”Well, quite.
- Gillette released a highly charged #MeToo-inspired US TV ad calling for men to not only not escape toxic masculinity but also to educate their children about new ways to be male. Men, naturally, were extremely unhappy about being told what to do by a grooming advert. Cue a spate of hilarious reactions from women everywhere.
- If we had a penny for every time we’ve been subjected to the #NotAllMen argument, we’d finally own that tropical island we’ve been dreaming of…
- There’s nothing we love more than an amazing show of feminist goodwill, unless, of course, it’s an amazing show of feminist goodwill with added potato skins.
- If you find our outfits to be too distracting, you’re almost definitely the problem.
- Let’s not.
- It may have been a sugary donut, but it made for one seriously salty comeback.
- As a gender, we’re sure women could never even dream of understanding how it must feel to be treated second-class citizens in Hollywood.
- Anna Kendrick is the hero that women everywhere deserve, quite frankly.
- We guess that means women were slaying at ghosting long before it was cool.
- Time to start holding men to the exact same confines we’ve lived in since the dawn of time, maybe?
- How do we love thee, feminist badasses of the verse? Let us count the ways…
- Maybe men will, one day, begin to understand what’s actually happening.
- When Susan Sarandon opted for a V-neck at the SAG Awards, she was criticised and hounded on social media by men and women a for daring to show her cleavage. There was one person in particular, however, who wouldn’t leave her alone: television presenter and Daily Mail columnist, Piers Morgan. Which makes this salty #TBT photo all the more perfect.
- We actually think that would make a pretty awesome TV show, to be honest…
- Who’s got a duck face now, eh?
- Yup, it seems as if Sophia has got well and truly covered.
- We kind of want to print this off a million times and start handing it out as our business card, to be honest.
- Remember: male nipples are absolutely fine. It’s female nipples that will make the world burn.
- Oh, misogynists – when will you learn? Also, get back in the garage: that fanbelt won’t tighten itself, y’know.
- The menfolk will never see us coming.
- Any man who attempts to draw a correlation between a woman’s moods and her menstrual cycle is doomed to fail.
- This made us snort-laugh in public.
- Aha, now we finally know the backstory to Jaws.
- Someone had to do it.
- Nick Offerman, we salute you.
- For those who are wondering, the Oxford Dictionary defines ‘radical’ as “advocating or thorough or complete political or social change; representing or supporting an extreme or progressive section of a political party”.So, yeah, getting married to someone you don’t hate, we guess.
- Remember what we said about milking the semen of manacled men? We won’t need to bother if we figure this out.
- Fun experiment: let’s all try telling strange men to ‘smile’ and report back our findings at the end of the week.
- According to White House sources, Donald Trump has told female staff that they need to “dress women”, before clarifying that most women still feel pressured to wear dresses in order to impress him. Naturally, this sparked ire online… and a number of brilliant responses, just the one above.
- The power of a good hashtag is undeniable.
- Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to invite JK Rowling along.
- Once again, proof that a good cup of tea can solve pretty much anything in life.
- The woman is a genius.
- Yes. So much yes.
- We’ve literally never related to anything more.
- To paraphrase Wolf on Wall Street: “Pick up a mop, and start cleaning.”
- We could use the money. Consider us commissioned, Alison Becker.
- We’ve always been a fan of the strong, silent type. Actually… strike strong.
- Studies have repeatedly shown that women are more ly to be ‘top performers,’ but less ly to be the boss. What gives?
- Get the f**k over yourselves, dudes.
- Our illustrious leader Lisa Smosarski once informed us that pockets are, of course, a feminist issue. Why? Well, women traditionally didn’t have pockets because, not having any access to money, they wouldn’t have had anything to put in them. In the 1700s, they got around this by putting slits in their skirts by which they could access a pouch slung around their midsection. And, nowadays, we STILL don’t get them in the majority of our jeans. What gives, eh?
- Shall I compare thee to a bra? Thou art more clingy and uncomfortable…
- Any comeback that involves impersonating a velociraptor is a good comeback. Fact.
- It almost hurts to smile at this one.
- We pity his fragile male ego.
- Believe in equality of the sexes? Then you are a feminist, simple as.
- Imagine the outcry. Just imagine it.
- We’re kind of on board with Eau de Sharknado, to be fair.
- As a girl who loves to play video games, I can attest to the above being 100% true.
Main image design: Alessia Armenise
This article was originally published in 2017, but is regularly updated to ensure you are brought the freshest and funniest feminist comebacks around.
101 Awesomely Good Comebacks for Every Occasion
Rather than kicking yourself later when you think of something clever you should have said, keep a few witty insults and comebacks at the ready, just in case.
Ever wanted to be the comic who always has a comeback for everything? Now you can be! All you have to do is commit to memory some of our favorite insults from the following list, and you’ll be all set.
These comebacks are best for those situations where you don’t just want to insult someone—you want to own the room.
#1 If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
#2 The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s butt and wait.
#3 If you’re going to be two-faced, you could at least make one of them pretty.
#4 I’d love to give you a nasty look, but it appears you already have one.
#5 Your hair looks great! How do you get it to curl your nostrils that?
#6 I’ve seen your kind before…but last time, I had to pay admission.
#7 I’d love to see things from your perspective, but it’s almost impossible to get my head up your ass that far.
#8 It looks your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a baseball bat.
#9 Why is it OK for you to be an idiot, but not OK for me to point it out?
#10 Your lips are moving, but all I hear is “blah, blah, blah.”
#11 You’re so fat, you could sell shade.
#12 Scientists say the universe is made up of electrons, protons, and neutrons. However, I don’t recall anything about morons.
#13 Is your family tree a cactus? No? That’s funny, because everyone on it is a prick.
#14 You’ll never be even half the man your mother is.
#15 They used to call them “jumpolines,” until your mom jumped on one.
#16 Just because you have a dick doesn’t mean you need to act one.
#17 I’m sorry. Was that comment meant to offend me? The only thing offending me right now is your face.
#18 You’ll go far someday. Hopefully, you’ll stay there.
#19 You’re free to go. Stupidity isn’t a crime.
#20 I’d sue my parents if I had a face yours.
[Read: 12 types of humor you can use and how it affects the people around you]
Nasty comebacks don’t require a lot of wit; instead, these will land your target flat on their back and wallowing in self pity.
#21 OK, who ordered the mouth-breather?
#22 You sure have a bodacious rack—for a guy.
#23 Your sister s it dirty.
#24 I always root for the little guy. That’s why I’m rooting for your penis.
#25 I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach.
#26 Hey, where’d you get that nose? It’s a “before” picture in one of those plastic surgery magazines, isn’t it?
#27 Some people may have thyroid problems, but I can tell you’re fat because you’re lazy.
#28 I don’t know how you do it, but after a shower, you look even greasier.
#29 How much do you charge to deliver an STD?
#30 Is that a scar on your face? My bad, it’s just your mouth.
#31 You’re a ground-hugger. A real low-life.
#32 You have an old soul. Come to think of it, your face is old, too.
#33 I’ll bet your voice causes seizures.
#34 You’re why the terrorists hate us.
#35 Thinking of you not existing makes me want to masturbate.
#36 Stand still, so I can hit you with my truck.
#37 I’m reminded of how unfair life is every time I see you.
#38 I hated you the moment I met you, and I still hate you.
#39 I’d punch you in the face, but the thought of touching your face disgusts me.
#40 Instead of listening to your opinion, how about I put on some cartoons for you, and get you a juice box?
[Read: 30 foolproof pickup lines and 10 you should never ever use]
The following responses don’t require wit, but do require a funny bone.
#41 Oh, a thought crossed your mind? It must have been a long, lonely journey.
#42 How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
#43 I’d smack you, but that would be animal abuse.
#44 Earth is crowded. Go home.
#45 Don’t let your mind wander. It’s too small to be out there all alone.
#46 Here’s an idea. Go play in traffic.
#47 So, you changed your mind? Does the new one work any better?
#48 Nice outfit. I bet if you stood on a street corner, you’d make some money.
#49 Hide! The garbage truck is coming!
#50 I’m a little busy right now, but I’d love the chance to ignore you some other time.
#51 Your birth certificate is an apology to your parents from the hospital.
#52 Keep talking. Someday, you might actually say something intelligent.
#53 You’re Monday: no one s you.
#54 It’s a shame you can’t Photoshop your personality.
#55 How impressive! You can put your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time!
#56 You should really come with a warning label.
#57 I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. I thought you already knew you were a sociopath.
#58 Acting a prick doesn’t make yours grow bigger.
#59 There’s only one problem with your face: I can see it.
#60 It’s good to see you’re not letting education get in the way of your ignorance.
[Read: The step-by-step guide to being a funny person and make everyone love your company]
Ah, sarcasm. Sarcastic comebacks come in handy any time someone is behaving in a particularly annoying way. This way, you’re insulting them…and they just might be dumb enough not to notice.
#61 I don’t know whether to laugh at you or pity you.
#62 Looks I overestimated the number of brain cells you have.
#63 You’re not as bad as everyone says. You’re worse.
#64 Now, I understand why some animals eat their young.
#65 No, keep talking. I always yawn when I’m interested.
#66 Talk is cheap—but then again, so are you.
#67 This is the perfect time for you to become a missing person.
#68 Hey, I can see straight to the back of your head when I look into your eyes!
#69 The person who told you to be yourself gave you some bad advice.
#70 Are you always this dumb, or are you making a special effort today?
#71 If you want me to accept you as you are, I’m going to have to lie to myself about liking you.
#72 You get bullied a lot, don’t you?
#73 I don’t mind you talking so much, as long as you don’t mind me not listening.
#74 I don’t think you’re an idiot…but what’s my opinion compared to countless others?
#75 I know you’re nobody’s fool, but maybe you’ll be adopted someday.
#76 I used to think you were a pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
#77 I’d love to insult you, but you probably wouldn’t understand.
#78 If you were twice as smart as you are now, you’d be stupid.
#79 Impressive! I’ve never seen such a small mind inside such a large head before.
#80 Rotting flesh is less offensive than you.
[Read: 10 ways to make a guy laugh without dumbing yourself down]
Clever comebacks not only showcase your distaste—they demonstrate your intelligence, too. What could go wrong?
#81 Do you nature, despite what it did to you?
#82 Opposites attract, right? Then I hope you find someone who’s good looking, honest, smart, and cultured.
#83 I see you’ve chosen this time to humiliate yourself in public.
#84 I don’t think you’re stupid. You just have bad luck at thinking.
#85 You’re about as sharp as a bowling ball.
#86 Aww…it’s so cute when you talk about things you don’t understand.
#87 Is it your job to spread ignorance? Because you’re highly qualified.
#88 If I wanted to commit suicide, I’d climb your ego and jump to your IQ level.
#89 You’re dumber than snake mittens.
#90 You should eat some of that makeup, so you can be pretty on the inside.
#91 I’m jealous of people who don’t know you.
#92 If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head.
#93 You do the work of three men: Larry, Moe, and Curly.
#94 You grow on people—but then again, so does cancer.
#95 I suggest you do a little soul searching. You might just find one.
#96 Usually, people live and learn. You just live.
#97 You are living proof that manure can learn to walk and talk.
#98 You have more faces than Mount Rushmore.
#99 I don’t know where you got your looks, but I hope you kept the receipt.
#100 You look tired. Have you been thinking?
#101 You are about as interesting as a documentary on dirt.
[Read: 9 more flirty comebacks to use on overly flirty people]
Sometimes, it can be hard thinking on your feet, especially when you’re joking around with your friends or in the midst of a heated exchange. Don’t get caught with nothing to say. Grab a few of these snarky comments ahead of time, and you’ll be ready to win any argument.
d what you just read? us on Pinterest and we promise, we’ll be your lucky charm to a beautiful love life.
4 Clapbacks For Those Annoying Texts Everyone Hates Receiving | Tinder Swipe Life
It’s Wednesday night. Your phone is buzzing away with responses from your newest potential S.O. who you’ve been texting for a few days now. You’ve not yet had your first date.
In fact, the subject of first-date plans hasn’t even been breached. You’re not stressing though — this person is witty, sexy AF, and always responds to your texts within two minutes.
They’ll ask you out eventually, and the rest will be history.
That is, until they say the thing. You know, the question or phrase that immediately sends your eyeballs to the back of your head? The one that makes your muscles clench so tightly that you may need to visit your chiropractor the following day for an adjustment? The text that has you contemplating ghosting the mofo after days of entertaining banter and built up anticipation?
However, it’s 2019. Ghosting is ancient history. We’ve evolved into a culture that addresses its annoying grievances head on (or so we say/hope). So take a sip of wine, crack your knuckles, and be prepared to offer these epic clapbacks that’ll take the edge off of crafting the perfect reply.
You know what these three letters say? They know the conversation is slowly starting to fade, but instead of taking the time to ask you something more interesting and telling of your fantastic personality and worldly experiences, they’d rather know what you’re doing at 8:43 p.m.
on a Wednesday night. If you’re anything me, that’s probably sitting in bed Googling your astrological compatibility while rocking a hyaluronic acid sheet mask. For obvious reasons, among them not wanting to explain what “hyaluronic acid” is, you cannot divulge that info.
Offer this response instead:
Well, [insert name here], that’s a loaded question. I mean, what are any of us doing? Are we just existing on a rock that’s floating in space, mere specks in a colossal and unfathomable universe? Or do we actually matter, in which case, I’d be happy to tell you exactly what I’m doing right now. Breathing. Existing. Thriving.
This response will either ensure you’ll never hear from them again (good riddance) or transform an otherwise bleak conversation into one about existentialism and aliens. If the latter proves true, they’re a keeper.
2. “I’m just at home chillin. Bored haha you should come keep me company.”
Go through any single woman’s texts and she’ll have at least four messages nearly identical to this one (probably from numbers she hasn’t saved). Most of them do not receive a response, and that’s totally fine.
This certain message is a shot in the most massive black hole in the galaxy, yet people, often people you’ve been talking to for approximately five minutes, still type it out and hit “send” daily. What makes this person believe you’d venture to a stranger’s house for the sake of keeping their “bored” ass company? Unbelievable.
Again, you do not have to respond to this, but if choose to, your reply should go along the lines of this:
A Comprehensive List Of Things I’d Rather Do Than Keep You Company:
- Read the dictionary.
- Do my taxes. By myself.
- Explain the Jordyn Woods/Khloe Kardashian drama to my dad. Again.
- Go grave digging.
- Become a TSA officer.
- Get called out at In-N-Out for putting Sprite in my water cup.
- Pull out my eyelashes one by one.
- Listen to my mom tell that story again without interrupting to tell her I’ve already heard it five times.
Chances are you won’t get a response, so feel free to get creative here. Then copy and paste it into your Notes app for safe keeping. You’ll probably need to put it to use again someday — or you know, tomorrow.
You’re at work and are racing to meet a deadline. You’re on your last few sets at the gym. Or maybe you dozed off while trying to watch “Game of Thrones” for the 15th time. Whatever the case may be, you’re a little preoccupied and, for once, not chained to your phone.
When you’re finally able to check back in to the reality that is Instagram Stories and text messages, you find this one.
No matter what the precursor to this act of textual aggression may be, this is straight-up rude and needs to be addressed with professionalism and a side of “don’t fuck with me:”
Hey there! So sorry! I was busy living my life! You have one of those, too, right? If not, let me know and I’ll tell you where to get one! (Hint: It isn’t wherever they teach that it’s okay to follow up a text with not one, but multiple question marks.)
Okay, maybe take it easy on the aggression, but you get the idea. Double question marks are a nuisance not to be tolerated any longer.
4. “Send me a selfie.”
This is the worst offense, so it’s fine to roll your eyes long and hard when you receive it, even if you’re in public.
If someone asks you what’s going on, simply show them this text, and you’ll almost certainly receive an understanding nod or groan in response.
Is the sender your agent? Dermatologist? Potential new hairstylist? No? Then, why do they need a headshot? Obviously, don’t send the selfie. Instead:
[insert your Instagram handle here]
That’s it. The message is clear: you have no intention of sending them a selfie, but there is a wonderful place they can go to see all of the selfies their weird heart desires. And you gain an active follower in the process. Everyone wins.