Why You Should Be the One Who Loves More
There is always a lot going on between two people in a relationship. But very often, much of what goes wrong in a relationship has to do with what’s going on in our own minds.
Most of us have a constant dialogue running in our heads, analyzing our relationship and informing us on how to behave. Instead of simply acting how we feel, we are advised by our “critical inner voice”: “Don’t be a fool.” “Don’t let her know how much you her.
” “Don’t tell him what you’re really thinking.” Although these thoughts may seem self-protective, they’re actually self-sabotaging.
While it may sometimes feel we have to outsmart our feelings so as not to get hurt, when it comes to our relationships, we are far better off being vulnerable, making a practice of being the one who loves more.
Throughout our lives, the only people we can fully change or develop is ourselves. We can strive to be the best we can be at expressing love. And when we do, we give ourselves a better chance of getting what we want.
As we get close to someone, we must not listen to the critical inner voice that warns us not to “be a sucker” or “love too much.
” This doesn’t mean choosing someone who doesn’t love us at all or staying with someone who mistreats us. Rather, the goal is to develop into a giving person, a loving person.
It’s a worthy pursuit to learn to do extra things and go the extra mile to show love. Here are five tips on how to be more loving in your relationship:
1) Communicate what you feel. People often make a big deal of who says “I love you” first. Many people feel shy or foolish to be the first to admit their feelings. It’s scary to take the plunge and tell someone how you feel, but it is also the only way for your relationship to survive.
When we take the advice of our “critical inner voice” telling us not to trust or open up, we deny our partner a chance at really knowing us. We also deny ourselves many opportunities to get closer and get what we want. Make sure to say how you feel, rather than trying to temper or hide it.
Avoid playing games or over-analyzing your partner’s communication. Instead, think about how they make you feel and let them know how you feel toward them.
There is always a chance you will get hurt or rejected when you put yourself out there, but it is still worth it for your own sake to take risks and let people know you for who you are.
2) Avoid the “tit for tat” mentality. Couples often get into trouble when they start quantifying what they do for each other. If you find yourself thinking or saying “I will only do this if you do that,” you may be forming an unhealthy habit.
Pretty soon, you might find yourself thinking, “Why should I clean the bedroom? He never lifts a finger!” or “Why should I be the one to go toward her and be affectionate? She always acts too busy for me anyway.” Instead of thinking about what you’ll get in return, try to be selfless in your giving. In other words, commit to acts of kindness with no strings attached.
When you do this, it doesn’t just make your partner feel loved; it makes you feel good. Plus, it leads to a cycle of openness and exchange between you and your partner, instead of promoting a posture of defensiveness, in which both of you won’t budge for fear that the other will let them down.
3) Be sure to support and participate in the things that excite and interest your partner, that light your partner up. If he or she loves to hike, take time to experience this passion alongside your partner. Encourage them to pursue their interests and the things that give their lives joy and meaning. You can expand your own world by being open to another person’s.
This doesn’t mean sacrificing your own interests or giving up what makes you happy. It just means staying open to trying new things, so that your world is always expanding instead of getting smaller, which is a risk in many relationships.
4) Take actions your partner would perceive as loving. Quite often, our acts of kindness tend to take place on our own time or within our own parameters.
In other words, we might do things for our partner that suit us then feel hurt when our partner doesn’t react the way we want them to.
Maybe taking them out or buying them presents is something you consider worthwhile, but is it something that your partner values? Perhaps he or she would rather just spend a night at home, curled up next to you and watching a movie? Even a simple act, picking up something they need at the drugstore or offering to make dinner, can be true expressions of love to the people close to us. When we consider what matters to them and respond accordingly, we show love and consideration that goes beyond ourselves.
5) Don’t become closed off. Often, when relationships get closer, we have the tendency to create a protective distance by slowly shutting down or closing ourselves off more and more to our partner. We may start to get cynical toward them, honing in on little traits that we don’t .
We may start building a case, piling up every mistake they make until we’ve formed a wall between us and them. Hardening ourselves to our partner can be a defense against being too vulnerable or loving. When we love someone, we are more susceptible to fears of losing them or the life we are accustomed to. It is better to face these “fears of intimacy” than to turn against our relationship.
We should fight to maintain our feelings of love, even when it is frightening to do so.
No matter what, we can only feel our own feelings. Being loving is the best thing we can do for our own well-being, because it allows us to feel genuinely good about ourselves.
It is a skill that benefits us in all of our relationships, with our friends and our children as well as our romantic partners. Plus, when we expand our own ability to be loving, we actually grow our capacity to be loved.
It opens us up to new possibilities, while allowing us to feel a consistent sense of honesty and integrity within ourselves.
fear of intimacy, love, relationship advice, relationship issues, vulnerability
To Love or To Be Loved?
This is Part 2 of a three-part series on self identity and love.
But what about dating and love? Leah brings up several interesting questions: Is it possible to love more than one person during your lifetime? How do you decide whom to marry? Does one person usually love the other more?
These are questions we all struggle with when making our own relational decisions. Leah openly admits that she does not feel the same passion towards her second husband as she did towards her first husband.
And she wonders if she would have met the “second love” of her life if she had waited. It is clear, though, that Leah is the love of her second husband's life.
And I don't know if Leah's first marriage was equal on that front.
But it presents an interesting relational question. Is it better to marry a person who loves you more than you love them? Is it better to be adored than to be adored? Can you have both? Does your first love determine whom you will love in the future?
Maybe it seems safer to have someone love you more then you love them. I believe one of the reasons Leah chose her second husband is because of that fact. Eleven years later, Leah has told me that the scales are still the same and she does not regret marrying her second husband.
Our parameters for choosing a mate may change as we age. With maturity we may seek more stability and compatibility rather then physical attraction and passion.
But even though maturity and our intellect may tell us one thing, our brain may be still wired to seek out a person similar to our first love. Leah wrote about meeting a man who reminded her of her first husband.
When he drops her off, she writes, “I want to cry or laugh or shout or anything; I don't know what to do first. I am alive again, I am young and attractive.”
This man reminds her so much of her late husband. You can feel her brain circuitry being activated to the feelings and memories of her first love. She is young again! The next morning, Leah received a message: “I spoke to my mentor and he said we should not continue dating…This is difficult to write since we both enjoyed each other so much.”
Leah is back to square one in her search but a lesson is learned. A woman's first love is an emotionally powerful experience that becomes deeply embedded in her brain. The feelings of familarity are so powerful that they can determine whom we choose to be with in the future. But familiarity does not always signal the right choice.
Who we choose to be with is determined by so many factors, but we are still left with the original question: Is it better to choose someone who loves you more than you love them? Or it better to love someone more than you feel loves you?
My guess is that this is determined by your first love experience. Which would you prefer? To be loved more or to love more?
Come by for the third blog in this series, as we discuss how much you would pay for love.
©2010 Wanda Behrens Horrell, All Rights Reserved
Why You Should Choose Someone Who Loves You More
“Would you choose someone who loves you or someone you love?”
My friend asked me this question when I was still in high school. I still remember what my answer was.
I told her that I will choose the one I love because I rarely fall in love and as a hopeless romantic, I will fight for love no matter what it takes.
All along, I thought that fighting for someone I love is the bravest thing to do no matter how painful things can get. I thought that once I have found love, I should dive right in and let my heart lead me.
A decade after, I'm still thinking about this question. I fell head over heels in love with a guy and fought for him until he left me for someone else.
There are so many thoughts running around in my head “Is this how love feels ?” or “Are all the sacrifices and pain really worth it?” The entire relationship feels pushing a boat through sand.
I was forcing love from someone who did not love me. I was watering a dead relationship.
I know there are people me who loved and lost. We all chose the person who never loved us back and we paid for it big time. We all understood that sometimes the best lessons are learned through pain.
And sometimes, no matter how much we want someone badly, we cannot force someone into loving us or choosing us. Unrequited love is the worst kind of pain that anyone could feel. It feels waiting for a train that will never come.
We are hoping that someday they will wake up and realize how much they love us, but it never happened.
Have we given a thought about those people who loved us but we took for granted? Those people who cared about us, accepted and loved our flaws? Maybe the reason why we got hurt is because we're making the wrong choice. Maybe we have to choose someone who loves us more than we love them.
It took me a lot of effort before I finally realized that choosing someone who loves me more is worthwhile and here are my reasons.
He will love everything about me – He will love everything that I hate about myself including my physical flaws, my insecurities, my fears and my mood swings.
He will be willing to learn everything about me how I get sad, how I get mad, what are my thoughts and many more so he could learn to love every part of me.
He will love me when I cannot even love myself and teach me how to be gentle with myself and embrace my emotions.
He will love me unconditionally – He will love me at my best and even at my worst. He will love me when things are great and when things are rough. He will take good care of me and will always seek my heart's best interest. He will be willing to compromise and make sacrifices.
He knows my worth – He will never leave me because he need me. He will never put himself in a position to lose me. He knows that there will never be someone me. He won't have to lose me for him to see my importance. He will make me feel I'm the most beautiful woman in the world.
Before we think of ignoring that person who showered us attention, treated us nicely and loved us unconditionally, think of that person who played with our hearts and took us for granted. We all deserve better than that. We deserve to be loved, cherished and taken care of. Maybe we are not giving enough chance to people who need it most.
Don’t Choose The Guy That Loves You More
I was with this man for over a year..To be completely honest with you, the way he loved me made me feel I was invincible. I felt confident and for the first time..completely my element.
I’d never been the overly “sure of herself” girl. In fact, I found myself to be quite the opposite. I had my widely insecure moments, but for the most part, I tried to be neither at all.
I thought I’d be happier that way.
I had been with a handful of guys who I know cared for me, but ultimately didn’t feel as strongly for me as I had felt for them. Sometimes it was different, but I guess regularly? It wasn’t at all.
So when I found the man that loved me exceedingly, I couldn’t think of any reason to not spend the rest of my life with him.
Isn’t that what we all want? To be with someone who loves us even more than we love them? To know that no matter what flaw you may find vulgar or repulsive, he still loves you for.
I was with this man because I had only this mindset for the entire time I was his. I thought being with him would make me even stronger.
For that, I began to use him.
I thought being with this man would make me wiser.
For that, I began to use him.
I thought being with this man would help my self-esteem.
For that, I began to use him.
I thought a lot of things, and conclusively used him each time.
It turned into a relationship where I was so sure he loved me, it didn’t even occur to me that my feelings weren’t an even comparison.
I stayed with the man who loved me more because I thought my future children would see how much he loved me, and treat their boyfriend or girlfriend-one day- the entire world. Each day (though I thought impossible) he began to love me more and more, and I was so use to this rooted love that I almost forgot how to give it back, or maybe I didn’t care to.
You see when we stay with the people that love us more than we love them, we slowly become blind to everything they’ve managed to give us because we don’t care enough to see. I loved this man, but not as much as he loved me.
You would have thought from the moment that I knew this, I would have ended it with him..and today, I know if I could go back and time, I would have because he deserved way more.
The truth is, I convinced myself that ending up with the guy that loved me more than I loved him would be a good thing. I would never have to question what I was to him, or who I was in the world, what purpose I served…nothing at all.
The even realer truth is…I was wrong.
I didn’t find myself, know my purpose, or figure out why I’m here at all.
However, I did find a guy who loves me just as much as I love him. For the first time I’m able to see clearly now. I have learned equal respect, and to also not take advantage.
He has taught me so many lessons, and I in return strive to teach him the exact same. We build one another to make each other great.
With him, it’s never just one of us doing the work, we both put in time, and after awhile, I began to realize that kind of love was the love that would serve the greatest purpose to and for me.
Don’t marry the guy who loves you more than you love him. Over time, I even realized being with the one who loves me the same has pushed me to all new levels, that I never would have strived for if I settled for the guy who made me feel I was already perfect.
I’m not perfect. That’s just the truth. You’re not, and the girl beside you isn’t either. When we believe that we are, we stop reaching for things, and expect others to reach for them for us.
The man I’m with now, never reminds me that I’m not perfect, but he just shows me what all I could be, and I realize now that if I keep going at this rate, then my life will continually be all I need it to be.
Choose Someone Who Chooses You Every Time
Image via Pexels.com
When it comes to romantic love, I am really good at choosing partners who will never actually choose me. Not really, anyway.
There are two types of “committed” romantic relationships: there’s being with someone, and then there’s choosing to be with a particular someone.
Plenty of people are fine being with someone until someone better comes along.
Basically, they’re happy until they’re not happy.
And plenty of others are fine just being that transitory partner.
But I’m neither one of those kinds of people.
So I’ve learned the hard way just how important it is to choose someone who genuinely chooses you everyday, if you're looking for a healthy and long-lasting love.
Once upon a time, I believed that the only way I could trust someone had truly chosen me was if they engaged in some over-the-top gesture. Which means I've had my share of forbidden and toxic romances.
There’s a saying that “red flags are roses” in the early stages of a relationship. We excuse the things that should make us run by turning them into something beautiful, red roses. But even those roses die and we’re left with the reality–that our partner was a selfish son of a bitch, a user, or worse.
We were never their honest choice. We were more their “good for now.”
Maybe it would be a lot more innocuous if it wasn’t so misleading. For people myself who love rarely, but deeply, and give practically everything up when they love someone else–it can be a real punch to the gut.
I’m an INFP… so I’ve never understood the point of lying about your feelings in a relationship. Nor have I understood how a lot of people act they’re perfectly happy in a relationship only to suddenly announce their feelings changed and they’re now miserable.
Happy enough to stay one day.
Miserable enough to leave the next.
That’s a surefire way to f*ck someone up about love.
But I’ve dated enough of these guys to learn that the reason they never bothered communicating is simple.
Most of them never actually chose me for me.
I’m not knocking anyone in a casual or temporary relationship. I’m just over the pretense some people play.
Regardless of the type of relationship you have, part of what makes it healthy is every party being on the same page and fully informed.
If you want a “just for now” relationship, don’t pretend you’re in it for the long haul.
I’m convinced that an awful lot of heartbreak could be avoided if people were simply honest about what they want — even if their honest answer is “I don’t know.”
But if you do know that what you want is some kind of lifelong romance where you can count on each other, quit choosing partners who aren’t choosing you.
Be honest with yourself. If you’re the one who’s constantly making the effort in your relationship, you’re not on the same page no matter how much they insist that you are. Actions are the telltale sign here and trust me — red flags are never actually roses.
It’s okay to want more for yourself. It’s okay to wait for someone with whom the choice is truly mutual.
I used to be in a big rush when it came to love. As if there was some time limit and if I didn’t find what I needed by a certain age I’d be luck.
I see things much differently now and I look for different things too. That’s why I can say without hesitation:
Choose someone who chooses you… for you.
Choose someone for who they really are.
Create and enforce healthy boundaries.
And… let go of the addiction to toxic drama.
“,”author”:”Shannon Ashley”,”date_published”:”2018-06-03T18:10:45.537Z”,”lead_image_url”:”https://miro.medium.com/max/1200/1*ssHagwMpH9sFjnY8D5ysPw.jpeg”,”dek”:null,”next_page_url”:null,”url”:”https://psiloveyou.xyz/choose-someone-who-chooses-you-every-time-4c70bf95aea8″,”domain”:”psiloveyou.xyz”,”excerpt”:”Someone who will actually choose you when life gets hard.”,”word_count”:609,”direction”:”ltr”,”total_pages”:1,”rendered_pages”:1}
Date A Man Who Loves You More
Date a man who loves you more. Meet him young, at a time when you’re not old enough to realize how precious he is. Fall in love carelessly. Start to think he must be the one, begin building a life with him. Become entangled with his family and him with yours, believe he will be the father of your children in later years.
Date a man who loves you more because he will love everything you hate about yourself. The man who loves you more will rub your feet when you’re tired and take your cousins out for ice cream because he is simply that kind of man. He will abandon his plans to come rub your back when you’re sick without you ever having to ask.
The man who loves you more will allow you to grow as a person without taking space. He will be patient, kind; he will know when to apologize and when to be quiet. He will never yell. He will laugh at your jokes and find you beautiful, even at your worst.
The man who loves you more will love you entirely, unconditionally; he will follow you anywhere and do anything for you.
Follow Thought Catalog on Pinterest.
As you grow with the man who loves you more, ignore the creeping sense of boredom. Ignore it because it is selfish, it is unbecoming, and you know you should be satisfied with this perfect man. Ignore it because you watch the women around you, your friends, your sisters, your co-workers, and you know they all long for the man you have.
Ignore the melancholia and the longing you feel every time you watch a couple fight with passion, with anger, with fire. Count on your fingers the number of fights you’ve had over the years, and consider yourself lucky without really believing it. Ignore the nostalgia you feel for moments that have never existed.
Ignore it because you know passion is fleeting, passion is mercurial; passion is not something you build a life on. Passion will not raise your kids, it will not pay your mortgage. When passion fades, you tell yourself, you are left with nothing but regret. Ignore the slow leak of emptiness filling your gut when you kiss him, because it does not belong in your life.
It does not belong with this perfect man who loves you more. He is dependable and with him, you know you will lead a lifetime of contentment. You will travel with him, you will push him towards his goals. You will have wonderful memories and photo albums. You will celebrate milestones with pride, you will grow old holding his hand and raise balanced children with him.
When your children fall in love, you will smile and hope they find someone who loves them more, because it will guarantee them the satisfied life you have led.
Do not date the other man because the other man will never give you the stability you know you need. Stay away from the other man because with him, you are unreliable. The other man will never be there for you with the same dependability you have come to expect.
He will challenge you and push you to question everything you think you know about yourself. The other man will love you, he will love you in ways that make you abandon every certainty you have ever had, but he will not help you keep your balance.
Just when you think you have figured that man out, he will disorient you, you will be winded, you will not be able to breathe. Date the man who loves you more because the other man will never need you.
He will miss you when you’re gone, he will secretly be broken, but he will go on without you because he does not depend on anyone. This man is treacherous, you cannot trust yourself with him.
When things are good with this man, you will be euphoric. You will be the best version of yourself. You will look in the mirror and find you are beautiful. You will be the luckiest woman in the world, and you will believe it.
You will tell him you love him and the words will explode your heart because it will be the first time you have ever encountered such irrevocable truth. He will say it back and mean it, and you will feel you can never be close enough to him. You will lose yourself in him, and he will lose himself in you.
Stay away from this man because your happiness will be fleeting. When things are bad with him, he will fight back. He will not be patient, he will not soothe you. The other man will be infuriating. He will be selfish, careless with his words and at times even cruel.
He will try to inflict as much pain on you as he himself is feeling. He will not apologize and he will push you to your limits. With this man, you can expect the dizzying agony of passion, the blurred oblivion of apathy, the delicious comfort of despair, the addictive misery of loneliness.
You will tell yourself that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, but in that moment of utter hopelessness, you will not believe it with absolute conviction.
Date a man who loves you more because while he can never be quite enough, the other man will always be too much. The other man will leave you thirsty for more, parched for him, panicked a drunk who has finished his last bottle.
Date that man who loves you more, fall for him in a slow and steady way, build a foundation with him and consider, truly consider, how lucky you are to have found him. Do all this, because with the other man, you will never know anything but a frenzied hunger and all-encompassing madness.
With that man you will burn bright and fast, and you will be invincible until you are not.
Find the man who loves you more and keep him because the worth of happiness cannot be measured in days and months and years, and those fleeting few memories of pure, unadulterated bliss will never measure up to the lifetime of contentment you will have with the man who loves you more.
Tell yourself this over and over, let it become your mantra, and condition yourself to believe it. Forget the other man, or at least try to, ignore the smells, the sounds and the things that remind you of him, ignore the way he made you feel, because you are better off apart. Together you make the world explode, but you cannot survive in it after. Date the man who loves you more, choose him and never let him go, because you are wise enough to know that stories of true love never have a happy ending, and with this man at least you will die knowing someone loved you more.
Love this? Read this: our bestselling ebook All My Friends Are Engaged
“,”author”:null,”date_published”:”2014-04-23T23:26:36.000Z”,”lead_image_url”:”https://thoughtcatalog.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/shutterstock_126629195.jpg?resize=1000,667&quality=95&strip=all&crop=1″,”dek”:null,”next_page_url”:null,”url”:”https://thoughtcatalog.com/robbie-zimmer/2014/04/date-a-man-who-loves-you-more/”,”domain”:”thoughtcatalog.com”,”excerpt”:”Meet him young, at a time when youâre not old enough to realize how precious he is.”,”word_count”:1190,”direction”:”ltr”,”total_pages”:1,”rendered_pages”:1}