- 9 Habits of People Who Build Extraordinary Relationships
- 10 Things People Who Are Great At Relationships Do Differently
- Why Most People Will Never Have Great Relationships
- Most People Can’t Be Bothered to Learn How to Communicate
- Upgrade Your Relationships 10x By Just SAYING It
- Most People Care About Others, Yes — But They Care About Themselves More
- The Questions Everyone With Incredible Relationships Asks Themselves
- If You Don’t Value Your Healing, You Don’t Value Your Relationships
- In Conclusion
- Ready to Level-Up?
- 23 Things People Who Are Great At Relationships Do Differently
- 1. Embrace Your Vulnerability
- 2. Choose Your Attitude in Adversity
- 3. Do What Makes You Happy When No One’s Looking
- Final Thoughts
- More Tips About Living Your True Self
- Why Some People Have Great Relationships
9 Habits of People Who Build Extraordinary Relationships
Professional success is important to everyone, but still, success in business and in life means different things to different people–as well it should.
But one fact is universal: Real success, the kind that exists on multiple levels, is impossible without building great relationships. Real success is impossible unless you treat other people with kindness, regard, and respect.
After all, you can be a rich jerk… but you will also be a lonely jerk.
That's why people who build extraordinary business relationships:
A customer gets mad. A vendor complains about poor service. A mutual friend feels slighted.
Sometimes, whatever the issue and regardless of who is actually at fault, some people step in and take the hit. They're willing to accept the criticism or abuse because they know they can handle it–and they know that maybe, just maybe, the other person can't.
Few acts are more selfless than taking the undeserved hit. And few acts better cement a relationship.
2. Step in without being asked.
It's easy to help when you're asked. Most people will.
Very few people offer help before they have been asked, even though most of the time that is when a little help will make the greatest impact.
People who build extraordinary relationships pay close attention so they can tell when others are struggling. Then they offer to help, but not in a general, “Is there something I can do to help you?” way.
Instead they come up with specific ways they can help. That way they can push past the reflexive, “No, I'm okay…” objections. And they can roll up their sleeves and make a difference in another person's life.
Not because they want to build a better relationship, although that is certainly the result, but simply because they care.
3. Answer the question that is not asked.
Where relationships are concerned, face value is usually without value. Often people will ask a different question than the one they really want answered.
A colleague might ask you whether he should teach a class at a local college; what he really wants to talk about is how to take his life in a different direction.
A partner might ask how you felt about the idea he presented during the last board meeting; what he really wants to talk about is his diminished role in the running of the company.
An employee might ask how you built a successful business; instead of kissing up he might be looking for some advice–and encouragement–to help him follow his own dreams.
Behind many simple questions is often a larger question that goes unasked. People who build great relationships think about what lies underneath so they can answer that question, too.
4. Know when to dial it back.
Outgoing and charismatic people are usually a lot of fun… until they aren't. When a major challenge pops up or a situation gets stressful, still, some people can't stop “expressing their individuality.” (Admit it: You know at least one person so in love with his personality he can never dial it back.)
People who build great relationships know when to have fun and when to be serious, when to be over the top and when to be invisible, and when to take charge and when to follow.
Great relationships are multifaceted and therefore require multifaceted people willing to adapt to the situation–and to the people in that situation.
5. Prove they think of others.
People who build great relationships don't just think about other people. They act on those thoughts.
One easy way is to give unexpected praise. Everyone loves unexpected praise–it's getting flowers not because it's Valentine's Day, but “just because.” Praise helps others feel better about themselves and lets them know you're thinking about them (which, if you think about it, is flattering in itself.)
Take a little time every day to do something nice for someone you know, not because you're expected to but simply because you can. When you do, your relationships improve dramatically.
6. Realize when they have acted poorly.
Most people apologize when their actions or words are called into question.
Very few people apologize before they are asked to–or even before anyone notices they should.
Responsibility is a key building block of a great relationship. People who take the blame, who say they are sorry and explain why they are sorry, who don't try to push any of the blame back on the other person–those are people everyone wants in their lives, because they instantly turn a mistake into a bump in the road rather than a permanent roadblock.
7. Give consistently, receive occasionally.
A great relationship is mutually beneficial. In business terms that means connecting with people who can be mentors, who can share information, who can help create other connections; in short, that means going into a relationship wanting something.
The person who builds great relationships doesn't think about what she wants; she starts by thinking about what she can give.
She sees giving as the best way to establish a real relationship and a lasting connection.
She approaches building relationships as if it's all about the other person and not about her, and in the process builds relationships with people who follow the same approach.
In time they make real connections.
And in time they make real friends.
8. Value the message by always valuing the messenger.
When someone speaks from a position of position of power or authority or fame it's tempting to place greater emphasis on their input, advice, and ideas.
We listen to Tony Hsieh. We listen to Norm Brodsky. We listen to Seth Godin.
The guy who mows our lawn? Maybe we don't listen to him so much.
That's unfortunate. Smart people strip away the framing that comes with the source–whether positive or negative–and consider the information, advice, or idea based solely on its merits.
People who build great relationships never automatically discount the message simply because they discount the messenger. They know good advice is good advice, regardless of where it comes from.
And they know good people are good people, regardless of their perceived “status.”
9. Start small… and are happy to stay small.
I sometimes wear a Reading Football Club sweatshirt. The checkout clerk at the grocery store noticed it one day and said, “Oh, you're a Reading supporter? My team is Manchester United.”
Normally, since I'm pretty shy, I would have just nodded and said something innocuous, but for some reason I said, “You think Man U can beat Real Madrid next week?”
He gave me a huge smile and said, “Oh yeah. We'll crush them!” (Too bad he was wrong.)
Now whenever I see him he waves, often from across the store. I almost always walk over, say hi, and talk briefly about soccer.
That's as far as our relationship is ly to go and that's okay. For a couple of minutes we transcend the customer/employee relationship and become two people brightening each other's day.
And that's enough, because every relationship, however minor and possibly fleeting, has value.
People who build great relationships treat every one of their relationships that way. (That's a lesson I need to take to heart more often.)
Published on: Apr 3, 2013
The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.
10 Things People Who Are Great At Relationships Do Differently
Do you ever wonder why some relationships fail while others are totally rocking it?
I know that I have for a long time. And still do.
Now that I'm married, this quest seems more compelling than ever. Having been through the divorce of my parents and many of those around me, this question has burned in my mind.
So, I sought answers from the relationships of my friends and clients, extensive research and most importantly, my heart.
I've put together a list below of the 10 essential qualities of people who are great at relationships. Maybe you can add your own.
The good news is that these qualities don't need to come naturally, they are skills that can be learned.
1. They are able to release the past without allowing it to define their current relationship.
Breakups happen. And sometimes they suck. But the most important thing is to realize they don't have to define you and your relationships going forward.
People who are great at relationships have been able to wish their past lover well and move on.
When things come up in their new relationship, they are conscious that this person is not the same as their ex, and they treat the situation fairly without placing past blame onto it.
2. They understand the balance of give and take.
They know that any solid relationship has an equal balance of give and take. For a long time, I had trouble giving much of myself. I expected to receive from my partner, but thought that if I gave too much, I'd get exploited or hurt.
My husband now, on the other hand, was the opposite. In his past relationships he did nothing but give, hoping to win over love and not feeling worthy of receiving.
Maybe this is why we were drawn towards one another, but are conscious of this challenge and make an effort to have give and take.
3. They know when they need some space.
Some people disappear when they enter into their relationship. I'm sure you know a person this or maybe you've been there yourself. They enter a relationship and stop hanging out with friends, family or doing things they love.
I've been there. But here's the thing, a healthy relationship requires space between the togetherness. It's OK to do something by yourself to recharge your batteries. Just make sure you give your partner the same freedom.
4. They learn how to communicate authentically.
Authentic communication is a skill that needs to be practiced, over and over again. It may not come easily to people who never felt heard as a child or are afraid to speak up for themselves and say how they really feel.
The key to authentic communication is creating a safe, loving environment within your relationship where you can both feel heard. Saying what you need to say can be scary, but not nearly as scary as bottling everything up.
5. They discover their partner's love language and use it regularly.
Have you read the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman? I highly recommend it for anyone who wants to improve their relationships.
Basically, he argues that there are five primary love languages: Words of Affirmation, Physical Touch, Quality Time, Acts of Service and Gift Giving.
When you understand your primary language and that of your partner, you can make sure you're both getting your needs met.
6. They make each other laugh.
Sometimes, it's best to just let your walls down and share a good laugh. Often, when my husband and I are in a fight and I'm being particularly pouty, he'll crack a joke until I find myself in fits of laughter. Suddenly, whatever seemed so serious just a minute ago has completely dissolved.
7. They release false expectations for their partner.
Our partners are only human, just us. Anyone who has lived with someone for more than a few weeks will realize this. It's unfair to put false expectations on our partner because they have flaws, faults, insecurities and weaknesses just the rest of us. That's what makes them, and your relationship, beautiful.
This in and of itself can cure 90 percent of relationship problems. We project our own insecurities or faults onto our partners without even realizing it, because our ego simply can't stand to accept them as our own.
Often, we're attracted to others that have qualities that we'd to develop within ourselves. But if we fail to develop these qualities, the infatuation can quickly turn to criticism and blame.
Maybe when you first met your partner they seemed “fun and spontaneous,” but now appear just plain flaky. Understand that relationships are a vehicle for your own growth.
9. They expect good things.
Self-fulfilling prophecies will come true if you expect them to. Period. If you expect for your relationship to fail, then chances are it probably will.
Because when we believe something over a long enough period of time, we start to act in ways to prove it to ourselves. This goes for our relationships and for life.
So therefore, why not expect only the best to happen? Believe me… it's just as possible.
10. Above all, they love.
They love themselves. They love their partners. They love others. They know that they are 100 percent complete and that their partner helps to compliment their already whole selves. They've learned to let those walls down around their heart, slowly but surely, and open up to great, wonderful love.
Why Most People Will Never Have Great Relationships
Matheus Ferrero on UnsplashApr 26, 2018 · 8 min read
“The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships.” -Tony Robbins
Relationships are perhaps the most important foundation for your life.
If you have great relationships, there’s virtually nothing that can defeat you, or even discourage you. As prolific author Frank Crane once wrote, having a close friend “doubles every joy and halves every defeat.”
But if most of your relationships are shallow and superficial, it doesn’t matter if you have the most “successful” life imaginable — everything still rings hollow if there’s no one to celebrate with.
As part of a recent study, The National Science Foundation (NSF) asked 1,500 people how many friends they had that they could talk with about their personal troubles or triumphs.
1 in 4 said they had no one to talk with. That number doubled when they took out family members.
Two thirds of Americans say they’ve lost more than 90% of the friends they had 10 years ago. Many Americans can only claim to have 2 close friends — maybe less.
Why do most people have mediocre relationships — or none at all?
Why are most people on track to never have great relationships?
Because they can’t be bothered to learn how.
“In order to get to the next level of whatever you’re doing, you must think and act in a wildly different way than you were before.” -Grant Cardone
Most People Can’t Be Bothered to Learn How to Communicate
“When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.” -Ernest Hemingway
When my wife Kimi and I were in premarital counseling, we read a book called The 5 Love Languages. That little book has made us 1000x closer to each other.
Maybe you’ve read the book before. In a nutshell, the book says every person loves, and wants to be loved, in 5 ways (with 1 or 2 main preferences):
- Quality time
- Physical touch
- Words of affirmation
- Acts of service
Everyone loves — and wants to be loved — in these 5 ways. But the reason most people continue to have mediocre relationships is because they just can’t be bothered to learn how the other person wants to be loved.
Not knowing how your loved ones want to be loved is extremely dangerous. This is where the deepest, most profound disconnects can happen, things :
- The workaholic father who buys his children anything they want — except all they really wanted was a dad who came to baseball games
- The husband who never really wants to talk — but is always in the mood for sex
- The friend who is more attentive to their smartphone than whatever you’re talking about
Most people can’t be bothered to learn how to communicate with and love their friends/partner the way they want.
As long as you never learn how you want to receive love — and learn how those around you want to receive it — you’ll always have mediocre relationships.
Communication is hard. It takes empathy, focus, and conscious effort to give your friend the attention they need.
But isolation and loneliness are far harder.
The reason your relationships are mediocre is because you haven’t learned enough about communication.
“If you keep living the way you are now, you will continue to produce the same life you already have.” -Jim Rohn
Photo by Bewakoof.com Official on Unsplash
Upgrade Your Relationships 10x By Just SAYING It
“The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.” -Harriet Beecher Stowe
(I wrote this section recently that ended up being highlighted by hundreds of people):
When my wife and I were in premarital counseling, our counselor gave us a piece of advice that would end up changing our lives:
Always make the first move.
The meaning is simple: if you can help the relationship, then do it. Don’t wait for the other person to act (even if you don’t want to).
Most people have strained and superficial relationships with family and even with friends. This is because most people always wait for the other person to “make the first move;” say hello, organize a hangout, or apologize.
This is a pride thing. It’s one of the main killers of marriages, friendships, and even families.
If you want to have deep, meaningful relationships with your friends, family, and even just the people in your day-to-day life, make the first move — even if it should be them. Be the first to:
- Initiate the conversation
- Send the first text
- Say you miss them
- Say you love them
- Apologize and ask for forgiveness
- Organize a hangout
- Compliment them
- Thank them
- Tell them you appreciate what they did
For a long time, I felt awkward and uncomfortable telling my brothers and sister “I love you.” Three of the people whom I loved most in the entire world, and I couldn’t say it!
Now, I tell them I love them all the time. I say it over text, over casual phone calls, at crises, celebrations, and over the holidays. I tell my friends, too. Every single important person in my life — mentors, family, friends, even coworkers, know how special they are to me.
It feels silly to be afraid to say this to a loved one. Yet, so many people can’t say a few simple words that would galvanize the entire relationship and deeply touch their soul.
Once you can do this, you can begin enjoying a gem most people never will: close, loving, life-giving relationships with many people.
Most People Care About Others, Yes — But They Care About Themselves More
In his book, No One Wants to Read Your Sh*t, New York Times Best-selling author Stephen Pressfield wrote:
“None of us wants to hear your self-centered, ego-driven, unrefined demands for attention. Why should we? It’s boring. There’s nothing in it for us.”
In the same way artists and creatives can only connect with their audience through giving value, you can only truly connect with others when it stops being about you.
If you want deeply fulfilling relationships, you must give from yourself.
Give your time, attention, energy, love, and focus towards building and nurturing that relationship.
The individuals who do this are rare. But anyone who chooses to build their relationships this are the ones who will have deep, meaningful relationships.
“The world gives to the givers and takes from the takers.” -Adam Grant
Photo by Seth Reese on Unsplash
The Questions Everyone With Incredible Relationships Asks Themselves
“Successful people do what unsuccessful people are unwilling to do.” -Darren Hardy
People with several deep, intimate relationships carry themselves differently. They treat their friends differently. They ask themselves specific questions that most people don’t even think of.
From a speech for alcoholics by marriage experts Dave and Polly P.:
“Ask yourself: Do I think of my partner and myself as a unit? Our book says that selfishness and self-centeredness are, we think, the root of our problem.
Are you selfish or self-centered with respect to your marriage or relationship?
Do you think in terms of our house, our cars, our bank account, our dogs, our furniture?
Or do you think in terms of my car, my money, my phone, my stuff?
If you are thinking mostly about yourself, you are not ly to have a relationship with another person that will bring you joy and happiness.”
Most people don’t ask themselves these hard questions. The truth is, if you have mediocre relationships, it’s ly because you’re being selfish, self-absorbed, or self-centered.
Can you say you’ve been more selfless than selfish in the past few months?
Many people can’t.
The good news is, change is readily available.
All that is required is action.
Best-selling author Grant Cardone once wrote:
“Almost every problem people face in their lives are all the result of not taking enough action.”
If you want to upgrade your relationships from mediocre to extraordinary, you must take actions you’ve never taken before. Grant Cardone went on to write, “Success is just one of the byproducts of those who take the most action.”
Want incredible relationships, best friends, and an amazing partner?
Then take more action than you ever have before.
If You Don’t Value Your Healing, You Don’t Value Your Relationships
“We can never flee the misery that is within us.” -Arthur Golden
Most people carry severe baggage with them all day.
We’ve all been hurt. We’ve all been laughed at, excluded, beat up, put down, and forgotten.
A main difference between successful people and unsuccessful people is that successful people bring this garbage out in the open to heal it.
- When I was 7, I was bullied constantly for a severe speech impediment.
- When I was 10, my best friend Donald convinced the rest of our friends to kick me our group and throw rocks at me.
- When I was 15, my high school girlfriend told my entire school was a porn-addict after telling her I struggled with porn.
I could go on. I’m sure you could, too.
The reason people with successful, amazing relationships have them is because they’ve chosen to address their own emotional garbage that prevents them from connecting.
If you want amazing relationships, you need to work on yourself first.
I saw my own life going down the toilet — I was addicted to porn, had terrible unresolved family issues, and virtually nonexistent self-worth.
I made the choice to go to therapy, 12-step programs, and get all this crap out in the open.
It sucked. It required more of me than I’ve ever had to give.
But my marriage with my wife is incomprehensibly amazing. I haven’t looked at porn in years. My wife teased me the other day that I have a million “bro-mances.” She’s right — I have a dozen guys that I know intimately, and they know me the same way.
If you want to upgrade your relationships from mediocre to extraordinary, then spend a lot of time, focus, and energy on making yourself better.
Jason Blackeye on Unsplash
“The measure we gave was the measure we got back.” -Alcoholics Anonymous
The amount of energy, focus, and care you put into making yourself better is proportionate to the level of relationships you’ll have.
If you don’t invest in yourself…
If you don’t bother to learn how to communicate…
If you don’t care enough to learn how your loved ones want to be loved…
You’ll always have mediocre relationships.
If you want amazing, high-quality relationships that will last for decades, you need to take action to learn how to do that. Take care of yourself, and heal what’s preventing you from connecting.
Ready to Level-Up?
If you want to become extraordinary and become 10x more effective than you were before, check out my checklist.
Click here to get the checklist now!
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23 Things People Who Are Great At Relationships Do Differently
Last Updated on April 17, 2020
We live in a world that constantly tells us what to do, how to act, what to be. Knowing how to be true to yourself and live the life you want can be a challenge.
When someone asks how we are, we assume that the person does not mean the question sincerely, for it would lead to an in depth conversation. So telling them that you are good or fine, even if you’re not, is the usual answer.
In an ideal world, we would stop and truly listen. We wouldn’t be afraid to be ourselves. Instead, when we answer about how we are doing, our mask, the persona we show the world, tightens. Sometimes even more so than it might have been before. Eventually, it becomes hard to take off, even when you’re alone.
Imagine a world where we asked how someone was doing and they really told us. Imagine a world where there were no masks, only transparency when we talked to one another.
If you want to live in a world that celebrates who you are, mistakes and all, take off the mask. It doesn’t mean you have to be positive or fine all the time.
According to a Danish psychologist, Svend Brinkman, we expect each other to be happy and fine every second, and we expect it of ourselves. And that “has a dark side.” Positive psychology can have its perks but not at the expense at hiding how you truly feel in order to remain seemingly positive to others.
No one can feel positive all the time and yet, that is what our culture teaches us to embrace. We have to unlearn this. That said, telling others you are ‘“fine”’ all the time is actually detrimental to your wellbeing, because it stops you from being assertive, from being authentic or your truest self.
When you acknowledge a feeling, it leads you to the problem that’s causing that feeling; and once you identify the problem, you can find a solution to it. When you hide that feeling, you stuff it way down so no one can help you.You can’t even help yourself.
Feelings are there for one reason: to be felt. That doesn’t mean you have to act on that feeling. It just means that you start the process of problem solving so you can live the life you want.
1. Embrace Your Vulnerability
When you are your true self, you can better self-advocate or stand up for what you need. Your self-expression matters, and you should value your voice. It’s okay to need things, it’s okay to speak up, and it’s okay not to be okay.
Telling someone you are simply “fine” when you are not, does your story and your journey a great disservice. Being true to yourself entails embracing all aspects of your existence.
When you bring your whole self to the table, there is nothing that you can’t beat. Here’re 7 benefits of being vulnerable you should learn.
Can you take off the mask? This is the toughest thing anyone can do. We have learned to wait until we are safe before we start to be authentic.
In relationships especially, this can be hard. Some people avoid vulnerability at any cost. And in our relationship with ourselves, we can look in the mirror and immediately put on the mask.
It all starts with your story. You have been on your own unique journey. That journey has led you here, to the person you are today. You have to be unafraid, and embrace all aspects of that journey.
You should seek to thrive, not just survive. That means you do not have to compete or compare yourself with anyone.
Authenticity means you are enough. It’s enough to be who you are to get what you want.
What if for the first time ever, you were real? What if you said what you wanted to say, did what you wanted to do, and didn’t apologize for it?
You were assertive, forthcoming in your opinions or actions to stand for what is right for you, (rather than being passive or aggressive) in doing so. You didn’t let things get to you. You knew you had something special to offer.
That’s where we all should be.
So, answer me this:
How are you, really?
And know that no matter the answer, you should still be accepted.
Bravery is in the understanding that you still may not be accepted for your truth.
Bravery is knowing you matter even when others say that you do not.
Bravery is believing in yourself when all evidence counters doing so (i.e. past failures or losses)
Bravery is in being vulnerable while knowing vulnerability is a sign of strength.
It’s taking control.
2. Choose Your Attitude in Adversity
You can take control of your destiny and live the life you want by staying true to yourself. You can start anytime. You can start today.
You can start with one day at a time, just facing what happens that day. Most of us get overwhelmed when faced with the prospect of a big change. Even if the only thing we change is our attitude.
In one instant, you can become a different person with a change of attitude. When you take control of your attitude, you become able to better understand what is around you. This allows you to move forward.
Originally, you may have had a life plan. It could have started when you were little; you were hoping to become a mermaid, doctor, astronaut or all three when you grew up. You were hoping to be someone. You were hoping to be remembered.
You can still dream those dreams, but eventually reality sets in. Obstacles and struggles arise. You set on a different path when the last one didn’t work out. You think of all the “shoulds” in your life in living the life you want. You should be doing this…should be doing that…
Clayton Barbeau, psychologist, coined the term “shoulding yourself.’ When we are set on one path and find ourselves doing something different. It becomes all the things you should be doing rather than seeing the opportunities right in front of you.
But in all this disarray, did you lose sight of the real you?
It may be in our perceived failures and blunders that we lose sight of who we are, because we try to maintain position and status.
In being who we really are and achieving what we really want, we need to be resilient: How to Build Resilience to Face What Life Throws at You
It means that we do not see all possibilities of what might happen, but must trust ourselves to begin again, and continue to build the life we want. In the face of adversity, you must choose your attitude.
Can attitude overcome adversity? It certainly helps. While seeking to be true to yourself and live the life you want, you will have to face a fact:
Change will happen.
Whether that change is good or bad is unique to each person and their perspective.
You might have to start over, once, twice, a few times. It doesn’t mean that everything will be okay, but that you will be okay. What remains or should remain is the true you. When you’ve lost sight of that, you’ve lost sight of everything.
And then, you rebuild. Moment after moment, day after day. We all have a choice, and in this moment, that matters.
You can choose to have a positive attitude, seeing the silver lining in each situation and, where there is none, the potential for one. Maybe that silver lining is you and what you will do with the situation. How will you use it for something good?
That’s how you can tap into yourself and your power. Sometimes it happens by accident, sometimes on purpose. It can happen when we aren’t even looking for it, or it can be your only focus. Everyone gets there differently.
You can rise, or you can remain. Your choice.
When the worst happens, you can rely on your authenticity to pull you through. That’s because Self Advocacy, speaking up to let others know what you need, is part of finding the real you.
There is nothing wrong with asking for help. Or sometimes, helping others can help us deal with the pain of a hurtful situation. You decide how you’re going to help others, and suddenly, you become your best self.
3. Do What Makes You Happy When No One’s Looking
Being the best version of you has nothing to do with your success or your status. It has everything to do with your Character, what you do when no one’s looking.
In order to create the life you want, you have to be the person you want to be. Faking it till you make it is just a way to white knuckle it through your journey. You have the fire inside of you to make things right, to put the pieces together, to live authentically. And Character is how you get there.
If you fall down and you help another up while you’re down there, it’s you rise twice.
Along with attitude, your character is about the choices you make rather than what happens to you.
Yes, it’s about doing the right thing even when obstacles seem insurmountable. It’s about using that mountain you’ve been given to show others it can be moved. It’s about being unapologetically you, taking control, choosing your attitude in adversity and being the best version of you to create the life you want.
How do you know what you really want? Is it truly status or success?
Unfortunately, these things do not always bring happiness. And aspects of our image or “performance driven existence” may not achieve satisfaction. Materialism is part of our refusal to accept ourselves as enough. All the things we use to repress our true selves are about being enough.
“Enoughness” is what we truly seek, but ego gets in the way.
Ego is the perception of self as outer worth. It’s not REAL self worth.
Ego represses our true self with a new self— the self of chasing ‘“Am I ever enough?”’ questions. And instead of filling our true selves with self-love and acceptance, when we “should ourselves” and chase “enoughness,” we feed the ego or our image.
It’s important to realize YOU ARE ENOUGH, without all the material trappings.
Stanford psychologist Meagan O’Reilly describes the damage of not thinking we are enough. One of her tactics for combating this is to complete the sentence,
“If I believed I were already enough, I’d ____”
What would you do if you felt you were enough?
By believing you are enough, you can live the life you want.
So many fake it to try to get there, and they end up losing themselves when they lose more and more touch with their Authenticity.
By being yourself, you are being brave. By acknowledging all you can be, you tell the universe that you can until you believe it too. The steps are easy, and you are worth it. All of it is about the purpose you are leading and the passion that is your fuel.
Staying true to yourself is all about mastering how to live life authentically rather than faking or forcing it. Having the life you want (and deserve) is about being trusting in yourself and the purpose you are living for. Both need passion behind it, fueling it each second, or you will experience burn out.
When you are authentic, you can call the road you walk your own. When you live your life for you and not just the results of all your actions (faking it till you make it), you can let go of what you don’t need. This clarifies and pushes purpose to you, living for something that is greater than you.
You will find that making decisions what will actually achieve your goals, will help you attain the life you want, and your success with each step, will allow you to enjoy the process. Good luck!
More Tips About Living Your True Self
Featured photo credit: Ariana Prestes via unsplash.com
Why Some People Have Great Relationships
If you're human, then you've experienced the chaos and pain that dysfunctional relationships can bring—and not just the sort that gets the most airtime (hello, dangerous and ill-suited lovers).
Sibling rivalry can last well into adulthood and, if not curbed, can destroy special family bonds. Parents and children run the same risk when they cannot find common ground. Kids grow up and do stupid stuff and so do parents. Nobody is perfect.
However, when there's no cement that keeps the family threaded together in a good way, it's worse than a sand castle in a wet storm. Grain by grain, pain and mistrust, grief and anger corrode the home.
You'll never get that promotion if your boss diss you or if they don't trust your work ethic. All told, a lot of agony flows from the fact that people no longer know what constitutes a great relationship.
Many equal social praise and acceptance as success. It starts in school where the kids that perform well as athletes are worshiped. The popular crowd is the nucleus of every class and grade. The rich kid has hangers-on. Heck, even the bullies with their packs enjoy a degree of status.
Years inside this artificial social system reinforces the belief that how others see us is what carries the most weight. But as teenagers leave school and enter the adult world, things go wrong for most of them.
Their romantic relationships are often wrought with problems, work doesn't bring success fast enough and frankly, they struggle to find anyone that they can trust with their pet rat, let alone their life.
The problem is the myth of popularity. This wonderful human state — hey, everybody loves me – is without deep roots. People might love the athlete who wins the gold, but they don't know him or her, their struggles or fears. Honestly, nobody really cares that deeply about famous people to see past the glitter of achievement.
The moment the same athlete loses, admiration withdraws a notch (or completely). When a bully is defeated by a victim, he loses his crowd. The rich kid's parents lose everything, few will stay with junior. It's because popular admiration has shallow roots, despite that it feels so strongly in fans.
They can be pulled from the earth in an instant.
Worst case scenario – adoring crowd turns elsewhere when things get real, you know, you make a mistake or need friends in a crisis. | Source
These days, taking time with anything doesn't get much support. Think about the quick fix industries which encompass every area of life imaginable – dating, food, finances, personal development and success. Time doesn't sell. Time doesn't feel as good.
What sells is something that produces fast results and yes, it feels good to the consumer too. Fast relationships, fast success, reaching our goals at the speed of light — or feel a failure — are all commonplace. A host of “get-rich-quick” authors with their promising systems are flooding the market never before.
However, in this case, the only person who goes to the bank is usually the seller.
Taking one's time with something doesn't mean literal hours. Effective living happens when one cultivates, over time, what needs to be nurtured. All one must focus on are the values that earn long-term respect from other people.
Truly integrate them into your character and people will trust and respect you. Your boss will know he can leave more responsibilities in your hands, your family will have a strong foundation when things get tough because they'll have true respect for you.
Many parents mistake obedience for respect. Sometimes, when things get hectic it's easier to use the quick fix of “I'm the adult, so you'll listen” position of authority and what looks silent agreement from a child is actually fear and anger.
As a result, the relationship grows another hairline fracture.
Relationships have been ned a harvest. Sow sparingly and look after the crop badly, the yield won't be good. Try to rush it, the harvest will also be poor. Choose the right seeds, sow plenty and work on the field every day, you'll get a bumper crop.
The disparaging truth for our quick-fix culture is that few things last, relationships included, when integrity is missing. The popular self-help programs aimed at self-development may bring success, but they won't bring lasting trust.
Why? Because other people aren't stupid, they can sense when somebody is talking big, using manipulative techniques – especially in the dating world where “how to become a pickup artist” is big business. But there is no integrity.
This kind of deception, even when it's meant well, often reeks so much that people won't invest in such a person, not personally nor in business.
Which seeds are the right ones to nurture? Here they are.
- Humility and modesty
- A sense of justice
- Honest work ethic
It truly is the small kindnesses and kept promises that build the best bonds. | Source
Wow, that's a hectic list. Nobody can constantly control the myriad tentacles that are human emotions. Sometimes, we get frustrated, mess up or don't want to fight for every cause. It's normal.
But those who have the best relationships have one thing in common – they are consistent where it matters. They may not have the sparkling conversational skills of the popular kid or guy at the office. However, others know they can be trusted when life gets rough.
They don't abandon a promise, they don't abuse trust, and they carry their part in the relationship, marriage, parenting or project.
Those who grow shallow roots in their relationships tend to back off when life gets real. For example, that slick guy who talked a girl into a date but then breaks it off when he learns she's got a medical condition or a kid. The successful entrepreneur who finds it increasingly difficult to find employees because she takes all the credit for a team's work.
Behavior lodged in shallow roots are not always bad. They're fine for the short term; be charming to the waiter or the foreign colleague who'll return to Guatemala once the project is completed. However, no matter the outward flair, without daily commitment, such an attitude towards relationships will be disastrous in the long run.
You cannot charm yourself through a marriage. A husband or wife wants to know you'll be there when there are difficulties, as a plan maker or when things are really bad, a supporter. Children don't want parents who are loved at every social event, they're celebrities, but at home they fight or smoke when they told the kids not to.
They want parents who can differ but work things out without upsetting the household. They want parents who practice what they preach with kindness and understanding, who can be the adult when the world gets cranky. When your values shine through, persistently, then people will trust you. At home, at work and between friends.
Those are the relationships that bear fruit in business and within the family.