- Why We Need No Contact With Narcissists
- Narcissists, No Contact and the Spaghetti Technique
- Narcissists and the No Contact Rule
- The wrong reasons to go No Contact
- How Does a narcissist feel during No Contact?
- How does a narcissist react to No Contact?
- Will a narcissist come back after No Contact?
- Do narcissists miss their ex after No Contact?
- The Definitive Guide To Going No Contact With A Narcissist
- Video Transcript
- You Don’t Need to Explain That You Are Ending Contact
- Block and Delete
- Vital Boundaries with Social Media
- The Narcissist’s Friends, Family and Pets
- Keeping No Contact
- Enforcing No Contact
- Being Fearless Moving Forward
- For More About No Contact…
- This Is What It REALLY Means To Go No Contact With An Abusive Narcissist
- Why We Establish No Contact in the Context of Abusive Relationships
- How To Execute No Contact Effectively
- Sticking to No Contact
- Why We Remain No Contact
Why We Need No Contact With Narcissists
No contact means exactly what it says: no contact. You don't talk to this person, you don't see them, you don't deal with them at all. If they call, you don't answer. If they knock on the door, you ignore them.
In this way, you work to break the enmeshment pattern and trauma bond that you are stuck in so that you can be freed from the relationship and the abuse that goes with it.
If you have children with this person, no contact can be trickier, but there are often court liaisons who will help or perhaps a friend is willing to be an intermediary.
The reason everyone recommends “going no contact” is because this is the only way to break the spell, so to speak. Narcissists create an atmosphere of drama and high emotionality.
They are manipulative and abusive, bombarding the person with all manner of abusive and controlling tactics designed to maintain control over the person so that the narcissist can get their needs met. A person cannot think in this situation.
Going no contact creates the distance that is needed in order to see things clearly. Once all of that stops and the narcissist's siren song has been silenced, it is much easier to have a realistic perspective regarding what is happening.
You can't observe the destruction a tornado has caused if you're inside of it. All you can do is hold on. You can only survey the damage later, once you're out and the tornado has passed.
As stated above, going no contact also helps to break the trauma bonds and enmeshment patterns that victims of narcissistic abuse are stuck in. If you are bonded with someone through trauma, your body and mind have basically become addicted to the situation.
You couldn't quit smoking cigarettes if you kept doing it, right? You can't say you're quitting as you're lighting up a cigarette. You quit by quitting. It's the same thing.
You break the trauma bond by stopping the trauma, which usually involves ending the relationship and staying away from that person.
We're not going to pretend that this is easy or painless. But neither is the relationship. At least after breaking the trauma bond, you have freedom to look forward to instead of more trauma and a never-ending roller coaster of emotions and drama.
If it's going to hurt either way, pick the one that at least has a good outcome in the long run. No contact gives you a chance to evaluate and reestablish boundaries and work on separating yourself emotionally from the narcissist.
You've spent so much time worrying about this person and carrying their emotional burdens that you may not even know what your needs are anymore, or understand your own feelings. No one can be happy or healthy in that situation, regardless of why they are doing it.
You were not put here to be a slave to someone else's needs. It's time to let other people carry their own weight, so you can carry yours.
No contact works to starve a narcissist's need for attention from you as well. Going no contact is mostly for you, but it affects them also. They are addicted to the drama too, don't forget. They endlessly crave attention and support and admiration and anything else they can get.
Even negative attention works fine for them, which is why they will provoke arguments and drag them on for hours. But nothing is ever enough, so they are chronically empty and miserable. You could never give them enough attention or love or affection or anything else to make things OK.
This is hard for a lot of people to accept, so look at the situation you're in. You have basically given up your entire life to make this person happy, you have given them absolutely everything, you've bent over backwards, you made them the center of the universe.
Did it work? Are they happy?
No. They always need more, and more, and more. They laugh at what you've given them or deny it altogether.
They spit on everything you've done and say it didn't matter, or that it wasn't good enough, or that you didn't mean it or it didn't happen or whatever else.
They delight in frustrating, upsetting and manipulating people. What makes you think this is ever going to change? Especially since it never has?
That is why no contact is recommended. Because if you stay in any type of relationship with a narcissist, that is all it is ever going to be. It's abusive and even if you are willing to put up with abuse, are you willing to put up with pointless abuse? Abuse just for the sake of abuse? Because that's what it is. It isn't leading to anything.
You're not going to be rewarded for your patience and suffering. It isn't going to end with them someday waking up to reality and the abuse was all worth it because now it's wonderful all the time. Even if the narcissist does not discard you, the best you can ly hope for is someone who eventually just ignores you instead of attacking you.
They have no capacity for or understanding of happiness. They don't have any capacity for or understanding of love. They don't understand or care about other people's feelings or needs, and there is nothing you can do or say that will fix this. They are not built that way.
All you can do is get the situation before you lose your capacity for happiness, too.
A lot of people want to find a way around this, but there isn't one. There is no magic pill that will make them not abusive and not disordered anymore. It is what it is. No contact allows you to put an end to the situation before any more damage to yourself is done.
The relationship – any kind of relationship – with a narcissist is a lost cause because they don't even have the capacity to understand that there is a problem. You are pouring your love and energy down a black hole, and you deserve more than that. Everybody does.
Narcissists, No Contact and the Spaghetti Technique
You’ve done all the right things. You’ve broken up with your Narcissist, you’ve gone no contact and you’ve done your very best to put your focus back on you. But much to your chagrin, your Narcissist is pulling out all the stops, throwing everything at you to try and illicit some type of response.
Unwittingly, throughout your relationship, either through sharing, or information gathering, you have given your narcissist all kinds of clues about your emotional triggers, what your greatest fears are and your most painful hurts.
Your Narcissist knows you. They’ve been doing reconnaissance since the day you met.
You may have thought you were getting to know each other through the exchange of information, but really what was going on was that your narcissist was engaging in something much more sinister.
They were looking for a way in and the best way to control you. Whether this is conscious behavior or subconscious behavior, a narcissist knows just what information is important enough to be remembered and stored for future use.
So when you’ve finally had enough of their abuse and you tell them to buzz off, don’t be surprised at the extent to which, a narcissist will attempt to hold on.
The Spaghetti Test
When a Narcissist is bent on getting you back they will throw everything at you to see what sticks, much a chef will throw pasta against the wall to see what hangs on and what bounces off. They will pull no punches and you will see everything you’ve ever said thrown back at you in an attempt to weaken your defenses.
Many of us go into no contact feeling strong and determined to be done with all the madness and then nowhere a text message comes in. You’re determined not to open it, but you see it’s a picture. You cave and open it up.
It’s a picture of the restaurant you went to on your first date. You roll your eyes and think, pa-leeeeeease, but somewhere, very deep inside, you feel one tiny heart string being pulled. You don’t respond, but your mind starts to travel in that direction.
Your phone buzzes again, it’s another text:
Do you remember our first date? It was here. I miss you. We need to talk
Narcissists and the No Contact Rule
The No Contact Rule is a widely prescribed strategy to break free from a narcissist. As the name suggests, it involves avoiding any contact with the narcissist, including
- Meeting with the narcissist in public or in private
- Phone calls — calling yourself or taking calls from the narcissist
- Blocking the narcissist’s text messages
- Blocking the narcissist on social media or, even more extreme, deleting your social media profiles so that the narcissist can’t find you
- Carefully avoiding any other possibility of meeting with the narcissist or talking with them
If you have any common friends that the narcissist could use to reach you, you may need to apply the No Contact rule to these relationships as well.
While one may argue that this strategy isn’t always practical — the narcissist could still show up at your workplace or wait near your home — it may be very helpful in some cases and is worth considering.
The wrong reasons to go No Contact
People ask many questions regarding the No Contact Rule, but one common trend is that a lot of victims approach it with the wrong mindset.
What makes you the way you are? Take THIS TEST to discover your personality type.
They view No Contact as a revenge of sorts. They want to hurt the narcissist. They want to make them miss them, regret everything they have done and come back crawling.
While understandable, it is immature thinking and a sign that the victim isn’t ready to heal.
We go No Contact to finally break free from the narcissistic abuse, to regain our life and restore our mental and physical health.
- It is not meant to be used to manipulate the narcissist into changing his or her ways and being with you and you alone.
- It is not one of those relationship games people play to satisfy their ego.
Be honest with yourself because your future literally depends on it. If you are looking for a way to hurt your abuser or tame them, you are not willing to end your relationship with them. And if that’s the case, you are not ready to heal.
Understand: You can’t out-manipulate the narcissist. You can’t beat them at their own game, nor should you even attempt it.
Here are a few possible scenarios of what can happen if you insist on seeking revenge:
- You will get back together and, after a honeymoon period, your relationship will return to the old patterns (most probably).
- You will become a hurtful and manipulative person yourself, which will negatively affect all your future relationships — obviously, not the answer as well.
We are not discouraging you from avoiding the narcissist if your intentions are less than pure. What we mean is be honest with yourself; and if you have some work to do, do so.
The feeling of hurt pride and the desire for revenge are complex emotions, and you will need to work with a professional to get past that (here’s one of the options you have).
How Does a narcissist feel during No Contact?
A narcissist is similar to a drug addict in the sense that they are addicted to attention, admiration, praise, and control over other people — narcissistic supply as it’s called in psychology.
While you were together, you were their source of narcissistic supply, and now that it’s taken away from them, they feel frustrated and restless.
- They want to regain their source of narcissistic supply.
- They feel challenged and want to prove themselves by forcing you to get back with them.
- They feel very bored because there is nothing to distract themselves with.
How does a narcissist react to No Contact?
There is no doubt that No Contact has a devastating effect on narcissists. Depending on the state of your relationship and presence of other sources of narcissistic supply (or lack of thereof), there are two possible reactions a narcissist may have:
- They will frantically pursue their victims in an attempt to get them back (most probable).
- They will announce that their victim doesn’t deserve them anyway. Generally, they will pretend that they were the ones to do the dumping.
While the second option seems a less flattering alternative, it is, in fact, a much more fortunate outcome because now you are virtually free.
Unfortunately, in most cases, narcissists don’t let their victims off the hook very easily and will do whatever it takes to win them back.
- They will stalk you.
- They will call you and text you.
- They will try to interact with you on social media.
- They will send you emails.
- They will show up at your workplace, embarrassing you in front of your colleagues.
- They will wait for you in the parking lot.
- They will wait for you near your home or your gym.
- They will contact your friends and relatives.
Once they manage to get hold of you, they will try to manipulate your emotions by reminding how happy you were together. They want you to recall those sweet memories of the days when you were in the initial stages of the relationship and very much in love.
Expect gifts, beautiful promises, tears — they know you well and know exactly what you want to hear. Think of your favorite romantic drama character: This is their response.
Will a narcissist come back after No Contact?
In most cases, the answer is yes, if you let them.
Sometimes they will get back with you only to break up with you (or discard you) later. It’s important to them that if a breakup takes place, they are the ones to initiate it.
More worrisome, they may seek revenge because ignoring them is one of the worst things you can do to a narcissist — in their mind, anyway.
Another question is for how long do you do No Contact.
No Contact is not something you do for two weeks or a month — it’s indefinite. If the narcissist has a way of contacting you, they will continue bugging you for years to come.
That is why it’s so essential that you heal yourself first so you can stay strong and resist the temptation to get back together.
Do narcissists miss their ex after No Contact?
Now you might be thinking that the narcissist really misses you and the answer is yes, they do but not the way you hope.
As we explained above, you were their source of narcissistic supply — a source of love, admiration, and praise. Now that you are gone, there is a sense of emptiness and dissatisfaction.
At this stage, the narcissist is eager to fill that empty space, which is why they keep contacting you. Unfortunately, this doesn’t mean that they really love you or miss you in a way that most people understand.
And finally, one last note: Narcissistic Personality Disorder, the clinical kind, is very rare. Most people we refer to as narcissists do not have NPD.
In its non-clinical form, narcissism is more of a spectrum with some people falling closer towards the end, hence displaying more narcissistic traits.
It means that along with narcissistic traits, they can also have other more desirable traits. In other words, there could be good things about them.
It means that along with narcissistic traits, they can also have other more desirable characteristics. In other words, there could be good things about them.
If you are unsure what to do about this particular relationship, a good question to ask is not whether or not your partner has NPD. A better question to ask is how does it feel to be in a relationship with them. You can find more on that here.
Dealing with a narcissist (self-hypnosis download)
More on narcissism:
5 Signs They Are a Somatic Narcissist
Narcissism vs. Assertiveness [QUIZ]
Raised by a Narcissistic Mother
10 Signs You Are Dating a Narcissist or Narcissistic Sociopath
Well-wisher or Narcissist? People Who Feed Off Drama
…and even more on narcissism here (continuously updated).
Image source: @mrsiraphol via Freepik ONLINE THERAPY THAT TRULY WORKS:
Online CBT Platform to Help Deal with Relationship Problems, Anxiety, Depression, Addiction, and More. Includes professional follow-up by a CBT therapist. Click here to get started.
The Definitive Guide To Going No Contact With A Narcissist
Going No Contact can be excruciatingly difficult to do.
Narcissists are curly – they are very capable of manipulating, duping or guilting you into succumbing, and feigning the remorse necessary to get you back into the relationship.
Maybe you are feeling the intense trauma of loneliness, panic and longing … so much so that you can’t stop yourself caving in and making contact again.
Please know this is NOT your fault. You just haven’t learnt the rules and the HOW to deal with this yet!
It is completely usual for most people to break No Contact repeatedly. That is until they know the information that I am going to share with you today.And this is my greatest wish today, that this Thriver TV episode grants you the vital information to KNOW what an empowered No Contact looks and HOW to do it.
I want you to be able to break away, stay away, and start your Thriver healing journey for REAL.
Going No Contact with a narcissist can be such a difficult thing to do.
It’s not just difficult on an emotional level. Many people don’t know the practical steps to take to make it happen, and this is why I wanted to create today’s TTV episode for you – to help you understand and get clear about how to do No Contact as well as hold it.
Okay, before we get started, thank you everyone who has subscribed to my Channel and for supporting the Thriver Mission. And if you haven’t yet subscribed, I want to remind you to please do. And if you this video, please make sure you hit the button.
So … let’s dive in.
You Don’t Need to Explain That You Are Ending Contact
People ask me all the time, whether you need to tell a narcissist it’s over. My answer is this: if you do, make it the final statement and then block and delete immediately.
The danger, if you don’t immediately cease communication, is that the narcissist will throw a hand grenade at you – something that hurts you, hooks you back in, and gets you defending or justifying yourself.
You want to avoid this at all cost!
Going No Contact means that you have had enough. It means that you know there is no point going around in a three-ring circus of arguments with the narcissist anymore. It means that you know you have no choice other than to end the relationship, because it is not getting better, resolution isn’t ever going to be reached and that there is simply no point in trying – because nothing works.
More than this, No Contact is an act of self-love. It means, ‘I love me enough to save my life and my soul for this torture, devastation and destruction.’
In fact, what it really means is, ‘I am going to stop destroying myself.’
Going No Contact without explanation is absolutely fine. Actions speak louder than words.
Block and Delete
This is where we need to stand up to ourselves and not leave any lines of communication open. There will almost definitely be times when we will think, ‘I wonder if he or she is missing me; if he or she will get in touch’. Yet, truly, I want you to know, with every fibre of my being, our job in recovery is to release these thoughts and not to get mired down in them.
My Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program (NARP) Healing System helps you powerfully achieve the release (if you are diligent about doing inner work with the Modules when these times strike).
When you know you have done No Contact to save your soul, you will know that it’s time to take the stand with yourself to block and delete this person. With all the technology now available, you have the ability to do this. And if you are not sure how, you can Google it.
Trust me. Block and delete is a great thing for you to do for yourself. You don’t want to be wondering every time you receive a phone call, email or a text message, ‘Is that him or her?’
Don’t answer unregistered numbers or random text messages. Just delete!
Vital Boundaries with Social Media
When you are serious about going No Contact, this means no stalking their social media. You have decided you can’t have this person in your life anymore, and your mission is to heal and create your own life.
There is no purpose or value whatsoever in looking on social media to see what he or she is up to. I’ll give you this tip: all of us who have recovered from narcissists have gone through being replaced with fresh and new supply. Until doing your Thriver healing work, of course, this can be excruciatingly painful.
You obsessing, trying to find out about what is going on in your ex’s life, researching the new partner and all the other things that can go on, are one of the surest ways to traumatise yourself and delay your healing into your incredible Thriver Life of real love and relationships.
Make sure you block all this person’s accounts so that you can’t see what they are up to. Also, block other people connected closely to him or her, or unfriend them, which leads me to the next section.
The Narcissist’s Friends, Family and Pets
The real questions here are: ‘Can you still see these people without having the need for any conversation about the narcissist?’ and ‘Are you concerned about what news may get back to the narcissist?’
I know you may be in the same social circles. Or maybe people from the narcissist’s life have been in your life for many years and you have close relationships with these people. Maybe you have been very close to the narcissist’s children, or even their pets.
I understand deeply the trauma of leaving people behind. I have had to do it myself. There is generally a great deal of loss involved when leaving a toxic, narcissistic relationship – both practically and personally.
However, this I know for sure, we have to be willing to lose it all to get it all – we have to LET GO. It is the hardest thing to do, but it is the only way that we get to reclaim our life, our soul and start generating our True Life.
Be very clear, to go forward there can’t be the muck – the conversations, the checking in, the staying connected by proxy. Yes, you may have to start again, but what a start it will be. Honour what your soul really needs – a complete detox of the narcissist – and you will be filled with glory, beauty and truth.
My suggestion is to break ties, as much as possible, and don’t get caught up in the anger or retaliation of ‘Why should I have to do that?’. It won’t serve you well. Only YOU making the moves that look after your soul and health will.
Keeping No Contact
It’s usual for a narcissist to try to get you to break No Contact.
Be aware that this will be attempted by getting to you through your ‘gaps’.
The narcissist may send a message to you, from someone else, about something sweet and lovely. A delivery of flowers may arrive. He or she will only be trying to appeal to your sentimental nature.
This could push your buttons, and you may feel guilty if you don’t reply.
Alternately, you may receive word of smearing and accusations, which the narcissist knows will make you irate and retaliate.
Or there could be a seemingly innocent request, through someone else, that you think is harmless.
The narcissist could send a message that he or she is sick or desperately needs your help; or that they have ‘seen the light’ and are willing to get help.
The list of ways a narcissist can hoover you back, goes on and on.
If you still have parts within you that you need to shore up, that are susceptible to being manipulated, you will be triggered.
My strongest recommendation in these times is to get very clear – if this person is a narcissist and meets the criteria that I share in this article Are You With A Narcissist? then they are not going to magically morph into a healthy, safe person for you to reconnect with.
Time and time again I hear reports from people who capitulated and went back hoping that things would be different, only to discover that things got worse.
To not fall for the hoover, it is vital to turn inwards to heal the triggers that are haunting you. You can then go free and be even stronger and more resolute about continuing to detox this person and move forward.
Enforcing No Contact
I love it when people get tough with narcissists.
When we are done, we are done.
And when we are done, we need to mean it. Yes it hurts; yes it is disappointing; and of course there is a whole lot of angst, uncertainty and fear in creating our new life. But when we know that going back is never an option – we mean it.
Myself and many others have had to get to the point where if stalked and confronted it’s , ‘I am calling the police’. Meaning – you have by word or action told this person you wish no contact from them and that they are compromising your boundary.
You have the right to put an intervention order on someone who is harassing you, making you feel uncomfortable and is not respecting your personal self and your ‘no more’.
This is the thing… Narcissists feed off fear, sharks do from blood. If you are not scared and stand up and enforce your boundaries, narcissists cannot be in your space. They will take their narcissistic behaviour somewhere else.
Being Fearless Moving Forward
People purport that narcissists never stop terrorising them.
This is NOT true
As Pema Chodron said, ‘Nothing ever leaves our experience until it has taught us what we need to learn.’
If you are stuck in trauma, unhealed beliefs, and fear, then yes the narcissist will keep terrorising you.
If you are diligently working on healing your inner trauma and belief systems, that the narcissist has made conscious for you, then he or she will leave your experience.
Your goal is to heal all of this so that you live authentically and without fear.
What does that mean?
It means this…
So WHAT if he or she tries to stalk me?
So WHAT if he or she looks up my social media?
So WHAT if he or she tries to smear me?
So WHAT if he or she does a drive by?
If you just keep releasing with NARP everything that is triggered, stay cool and calm, and get on with being yourself and doing your life, then it will all melt away.
Then you will heal and be free. And I promise you that the narcissist not getting any narcissistic supply from you – physically and even vibrationally (oh yes, please know that does feed them) – means they will have to go and hassle someone else.
For More About No Contact…
I really hope this TTV episode has helped you with how to navigate No Contact. If you haven’t claimed it already, please know that my 16-Day Course has a comprehensive guide on How To Do No Contact, where you can learn even more.
And it’s my totally FREE gift to you! No Contact is a vital piece of your recovery.
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This Is What It REALLY Means To Go No Contact With An Abusive Narcissist
God & Man
No Contact is not a game or a ploy to get a person back into our lives; this technique has been misrepresented in many dating books and blogs as a way to “manipulate” a person into coming back to us. We should not desire to have people who have mistreated us back into our lives.
On the contrary, No Contact is a way to remove this abusive person’s toxic influence so we can live happier, healthier lives while cultivating our authentic selves and minimizing people-pleasing.
No Contact is the key that locks out that person from ever entering our heart, mind, and spirit in any palpable way again.
I understand that not everyone can go No Contact with their abusers. Some people may have narcissists in their family, for example, that they feel they cannot cut all ties with. Others may be forced to co-parent with a narcissist.
In those cases, you can still adapt some of the suggestions below to your specific situation.
If you are in a situation where you must remain in contact with an ex-partner for legal issues or because of children, keep in low contact (minimum communication) and use the Grey Rock method of communication if this person has narcissistic (NPD) or antisocial (ASPD) traits.
Why We Establish No Contact in the Context of Abusive Relationships
We establish No Contact for a number of reasons, including preserving a healthy mind and spirit after the ending of a toxic, unhealthy or abusive relationship or friendship.
No Contact gives trauma bonds, bonds which are created during intense emotional experiences, time to heal from abusive relationships. If we remain in constant contact with the toxic person, we will only reinvigorate these trauma bonds and form new ones.
No Contact also gives us time to grieve and heal from the ending of an unhealthy relationship or friendship without reentering it.
Most of all, we establish No Contact so that toxic people malignant narcissists can’t use hoovering or post-breakup triangulation techniques to win us back over. By establishing No Contact, we essentially remove ourselves from being a source of supply in what is clearly a non-reciprocal, dysfunctional relationship.
How To Execute No Contact Effectively
Full No Contact requires that we do not interact with this person in any manner or through any medium. This includes in-person and virtual contact. We must thus remove and block the person from all social media networks since this individual is ly to attempt to trigger and provoke us through these mediums by posting updates on their lives post-breakup.
We must also block them from messaging or calling us or contacting us via e-mail. Avoid the temptation to find out about the person’s life via a third party or another indirect way. Remove triggering photos, gifts and any other reminders from your physical environment and from your computer.
Always refuse any requests to meet up with this person and avoid going to any places the person frequents. Should the person stalk or harass you by other means and you feel comfortable taking legal action, please do so. Your safety comes first.
I also highly recommend cutting contact with the friends of the abusive ex-partner if possible as well by also removing them from your social media sites.
I understand you may have established great friendships with these people during the course of your relationship but if you did date a narcissist or sociopath, he or she has ly staged a smear campaign against you and you will not get any validation or support from these people.
Unfortunately, the narcissistic harem or fan club is ultimately convinced by the illusion and false self of the charming manipulator.
Think of your ex-partner’s “friends” (more narcissistic supply – sources of attention, praise and resources) as being kept in a perpetual idealization phase with no discard – they are not ly to believe your accounts of the abuse and may even be used by the narcissist or sociopath to hoover, triangulate, trigger or manipulate you in some way. It’s best to cut ties with them completely and create your own support network that is separate from the abuser.
Sticking to No Contact
If No Contact is a struggle for you, there are many ways to ensure that you stick to it. Make sure you have a weekly schedule filled with pleasurable, distracting activities.
This could include activities such as spending time with friends, going to a comedy show (laughter is a natural stress reliever), taking long walks, and reading helpful books on No Contact and healing from toxic relationships to keep you focused on your progress.
Self-care is essential in No Contact. Take care of your physical and mental well-being by exercising daily, establishing a regular sleep schedule to keep your circadian rhythms in balance, doing yoga to help strengthen your body and relieve stress, as well as engaging in a daily meditation practice of your choice. You can find more about these self-care tips here.
Use these meditations in order to be mindful of your cravings, which will be an inevitable part of the addiction cycle to this toxic relationship.
Remember that we are literally “addicted” to the narcissist via biochemical bonds created by lovebombing, devaluation, and trauma.
If you have a relapse, the important thing is to radically accept (nonjudgmentally) your fall off the wagon and continue to maintain No Contact. Relapse is inevitable in addiction, but recovery is possible.
Research indicates that mindfulness curbs our addictive or impulsive behavior by rewiring the same regions of our brains that create that sense of craving.
Meditation Oasis is an excellent resource for guided meditations.
You may also want to experiment with alternative healing methods such as Reiki, acupuncture, or aromatherapy as these can help to facilitate the mind-body connection in healing.
Do yourself a favor and look up online forums that relate to unhealthy and toxic relationships; joining such a forum ensures that you have a community and support network that enables you to remain No Contact and support others who are struggling just you.
The feedback you gain from these communities can be crucial to your recovery. Ensure that the forum in question is vetted and is, ideally, moderated by a licensed mental health professional.
This will also help validate some of the experiences that you went through during the friendship or relationship with people who’ve been there.
Do not resist your grief during this process, because you will have to face it at some point. The more you resist negative thoughts and emotions, the more they’ll persist – it’s a fact.
Learn how to accept your emotions and accept the grieving process as an inevitable part of the healing journey.
I recommend trying the grieving exercises and abiding by the No Contact rules in the book Getting Past Your Breakup, written by certified grief counselor Susan Elliot.
Most of all, develop a healthier relationship with your cravings to break No Contact by practicing radical acceptance and mindfulness to the present moment. Remember that relapse may be an inevitable part of the addiction cycle and forgive yourself if you do break NC at any point.
After practicing this self-compassion and forgiveness, you must get back on the wagon after falling off of it. Track your urges to break No Contact in a journal to curb acting upon these urges.
Make sure that before you act on any urge, you give yourself at least an hour to collect yourself.
It will get easier once you realize that breaking No Contact often bears no rewards, only painful learning experiences.
If you’re looking for extra inspiration, you may also want to check out 30 Kickass Affirmations for Going No Contact with an Abusive Narcissist.
Why We Remain No Contact
The ending of an unhealthy relationship often leaves us reeling and feeling unable to cope. Even though we logically know we did not deserve the abuse or mistreatment, we may be tempted to stray from this when our emotions get a hold of us.
Trauma bonds often keep us tethered to the abuser, as well as other factors such as codependency, low self-esteem, feelings of low worth, which may have been instilled in us from the abusive patterns within the relationship or may have kept us in the relationship in the first place.
No Contact is a space for healing and reviving yourself, apart from the belittling influences of your former partner or friend.
It is an opportunity for you to detach completely from the toxic person while moving forward with your life and effectively pursuing your goals.
It enables you to look at the relationship honestly and productively from the realm of your own intuition, perceptions, emotions, and thoughts, apart from the gaslighting or abuse of the former partner.
Remember that anyone who has treated you with anything less than respect does not deserve to be in your life, so No Contact helps you to resist the temptation to invite them back into your life in any manner or form.
Many survivors find it helpful to track their progress on a calendar, blog or journal. You should celebrate and take note of your No Contact progress, as it is both a challenging and rewarding path to self-empowerment.
By establishing No Contact, you are ultimately staging your own victory and exploring your strengths, talents and new freedom with more ease. I invite you to take the first steps to recovery and success by challenging yourself to at least 30 days of No Contact if you are doing it for the first time.
This will provide a detoxifying period where you can start to heal in a protective space of self-care and self-love, enabling your mind and body to repair itself from the abuse.
Then, utilize the resources I’ve mentioned here in order to maintain No Contact and purge your life of the toxic influences you were once tethered to.
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