Can You Handle An Alpha Male?
I’ll never forget the day my daughter, who was in sixth grade at the time, dashed into the family room to give me a blow by blow account of how Jared had beaten up Malik on her middle school’s playground. As she rushed through the story I couldn’t help but notice how her face lit up as she described to me how the other boys gave Jared much respect and high fives after the fight.
Typical female to be attracted to an alpha male, I thought to myself.
Typical because females of all species throughout nature are genetically wired to be attracted to the dominant males just as males are genetically wired to pursue as many females as possible.
However, just as evolved males learn that it’s in their best interest to resist the urge to pursue multiple mates, I believe it’s time for females to realize that alpha males aren’t for everyone.
Now let’s clarify what an alpha male is. According to wisegeek.org, “an alpha male is the dominate male in a community or group. Zoologist and related scientist typically use the term to describe top ranking male animals, but people also apply it to human beings.”
For purposes of this article, let’s assume alpha males are powerful, either because of status or physical abilities and that they receive social privileges and an inordinate amount of attention from potential mates.
Therefore, it’s reasonable to assume that a true alpha male can get you a great seat at the trendy restaurant but by the same token, you shouldn’t be shocked when the waitress slips him her phone number while you’re in the powder room, which brings us to our rules of disengagement.
If you are the jealous type who is easily upset by other women making advances at your man, alpha males are not for you. They will be constantly targeted by other women both pre and post matrimony so better to latch onto someone not quite as dynamic to sooth your insecurities. You may not be the envy of other women but you’re ly to save yourself a few points on your blood pressure test.
Two alphas are a bad match. Contrary to popular belief, two alphas in one relationship are one too many.
Why do you think Superman preferred Lois Lane over Wonder Woman? If you’re that strong independent woman who expects her alpha male to recognize your awesomeness and just become an equal partner than you don’t understand the true nature of alpha males. They lead, that’s what they do. Your insistence on being an equal will just be an annoyance.
Alpha males are competitive. Kobe Bryant once said he hates losing to his daughters when they play Candy land. If you’re his mate, be prepared for bad moods when he gets beat in Sunday three on threes with his buddies, when the two of you lose to your friend and her obnoxious husband in Bid Whist and especially on the rare occasions when someone beats him out for a job or a promotion.
Alpha males have extremely high expectations for their children. He’s not going to it if his daughter gets cast as a tree in the school play and he’ll hate it if his son is the third string point guard on the basketball team.
He’s not going to tolerate average grades and Heaven help us all if his kid brings home an F. Such fathers cast long shadows and have big shoes to fill, especially for boys. Not all families can handle his lofty expectations.
If you’re the kind of parent who doesn’t want to see your kids pushed to excellence he may not be your perfect match.
People will look to him to fix their problems.
Not only the people on his job/business but mom, dad, sis, Cousin Pookie, all of them will depend on his leadership, to help manage their crisis for them because he’s most ly been doing it for them most of his life.
If you want a man who will be home on time each night and call on the rare occasions he’s going to be late, meaning one you can keep tabs on and can keep to yourself, this isn’t the one. Be prepared to share.
So unless you’re the type of woman who is truly willing to be submissive in the purest sense of the word, forget the alpha male and pick a guy who truly fits your personality. There are many more males who can provide you with all you want in a man :
The Company Man:
This guy will provide you with a great by the book life. He’s selfless, understands self-sacrifice, tends to be highly responsible grinds hard and usually obeys the rules. (Including the always important, thou shalt not cheat.
) This is the guy you want in your corner when life gets tough. He’s goal oriented and results oriented and will remember birthdays, anniversaries, Valentine’s Day.
Usually this is the guy your mother has been trying to introduce you to.
I don’t necessarily mean actual soldiers, I mean guys with the soldier mentality. This guy is tough, loyal and s to take orders.
If you’re the kind of woman who loves to give orders but doesn’t want a wimpy guy this could be your perfect match.
He’ll pull mess hall duty for you, keep the house in tip top shape (nobody can make a bed a soldier can) and he’ll check any guy who messes with you and yours.
Looking for flowers, candy, foot massages, poetry, and someone to watch “How to get away with murder” and “Scandal” instead of Thursday Night Football with, this might be your guy. They tend to be great conversationalist and are excellent at seeing the female point of view so open up your friend zone and let him out.
Bottom line true alpha males are pretty rare, natural blonds or thirty year old virgins and they aren’t as easy to get along with as you might think. They are egotistical by nature and tend to lean towards narcissism. They may treat you a queen but they’ll never let you forget that kings trump queens.
56,371 total views, 5 views today
alpha males, can you handle an alpha male, dealing with alpha males, loving alpha males
Divorce a Passive Husband for an Alpha Male?
I know not all women will agree, but a man who is a man is a huge turn on. My alpha male works with his hands and plays guitar. He has a bad mouth and at times a bit of a short fuse. That may sound a negative, but combine it with the fact that the soft side is ever present and he worships this girl no one ever has and it’s pretty powerful.
Prior to falling in love with an alpha male, I had been married to a very passive husband. I was the pants wearer and decision maker. My “bossy” nature made me think this was what I needed in a mate. Someone who was good with me taking initiative and leading the way. As time wore on, however, I realized being the alpha in a relationship becomes tiresome.
I didn’t want to make EVERY decision or lead the way EVERY time. Trying to pinpoint where we went wrong in our marriage is tough, but the differences in how ambitious and driven we each are is probably the obstacle that was hardest to overcome.
Then along comes Alpha. He is strong and smart and capable. He knows what he wants and makes it happen. He makes decisions when I don’t feel up to it (even about little things what to eat). He is fiercely competitive and the first to rush to my defense. He s me being his and s even more for other men to know I’m his. I see this in him and it makes me swoon.
I never thought I was the kind of woman to fall for a dominant man and end up in an affair with him. I thought surely I wanted to be in charge.
However, being slightly more submissive (not entirely…don’t get me wrong) and allowing someone else to show they can handle what life throws at them has been a breath of fresh air.
I feel taken care of and protected and didn’t even realize those were things I wanted to be!
What’s so appealing about an Alpha Male?
Alpha males bring a certain amount of sex appeal as well. I know not all women will agree, but a man who is a man is a huge turn on. Mine works with his hands and plays guitar. He has a bad mouth and at times a bit of a short fuse.
That may sound a negative, but combine it with the fact that the soft side is ever present and he worships this girl no one ever has and it’s pretty powerful. When it comes to me he is sensitive and patient. He treats women with respect and there is a certain chivalry to men who are men.
They are a dying breed and I am lucky enough to have snagged one.
I believe the draw to alpha males for so many women is that we are a generation of powerful women. We want equality in our careers, at home and in life in general. With this, we have to lose some of our softness at times to be heard.
An alpha male reminds women that it is ok to be treated a lady sometimes. It is ok to not always be the dominant person in the room.
It is nice to know that if you don’t take charge things may actually still get done and the world WON’T come to an end.
What are the drawbacks of the Alpha Male?
Of course, with any positive, there are usually a few negatives. At times his dominance is frustrating for this bossy girl. I do things my way…and so does he…so we often have to make huge efforts to meet in the middle.
We have to recognize when we are at an impasse and move on. I have to allow for a certain amount of bravado and chest-pounding that at times is sexy…and at times just makes me laugh.
I know he wishes at times I would allow his alpha to really show and keeping him in check is something I’m still trying to figure out.
As with any male/female relationship, there are challenges and moments of frustration. However, his passion for life and for getting things done means that he will go above and beyond to ensure my happiness.
He wants to be the man that saves me from others and from myself. I am learning to be ok with being taken care of. I love my sweet, demanding, sexy, frustrating alpha male and he loves me with his whole heart.
Alpha or not that is what women want…the love and admiration of a flawed yet wonderful man.
When Women Want More “Alpha” Husbands
Recently, or maybe not so recently, the terms “alpha” and “beta” to describe men and women have hit the mainstream (for more on this idea, read The Alpha Woman Meets Her Match), and I have had increasing numbers of clients who use these words to talk about themselves and their relationship.
An alpha is commonly thought of as someone ambitious and assertive, with a take no prisoners attitude. They are the leader of their pack and others defer to them. The term connotes the typical “power player” Don Draper from Mad Men (for a man) or Hillary Clinton (for a woman).
A couple comprised of two “alphas” may be considered a power couple.
A beta, on the other hand, is thought to be a softer type of person, who doesn’t command the same instinctive deferential response among others. These are caretaker types or those who try to get along with others instead of get their own way.
They often end up being “the woman behind the man” (or vice versa) when they are married to an alpha, and many stay at home moms who are criticized by their Type A husbands, as I discuss here) are married to alpha males and show more beta characteristics themselves.
What’s his name, the dad on Family Ties, and probably a majority of sitcom dads, are more beta. Basically every caregiving classic “mom” type on TV is beta, as she puts others’ needs above her own.
Hopefully by this point you may be seeing the limitations of this paradigm. For anyone to be entirely beta or entirely alpha would ly be impossible, and unhealthy.
A complete alpha would be a huge narcissist and a complete beta would have Dependent Personality Disorder (which is an interesting lesser known personality disorder for my psychology buffs).
It is a useful shortcut to describe certain overarching aspects of a person’s character, though, within limitations (“My boss is a classic alpha male” allows others to quickly understand the image he projects, at least within the office). As a generalization, whoever has more “demands” life and from their partner is the more alpha partner.
The problems come when women come in and say, “I wish my husband was more of an alpha male.” Generally, they are thinking of this as a more sexy and assertive guy, who gets paid more and and is deferred to by other males (and females). They are not thinking about what in their personality would be irritating to a more alpha person.
Alpha males often tend to pair up with women who cater to their needs (and so do alpha females).
If you’re complaining that your husband isn’t assertive enough, it is ly that YOU are the alpha in the relationship, and that it works mostly because your husband picks up a lot of slack in terms of giving you what you need, whether that means he does housework and childcare more than a classic “alpha” would, or he allows you to vent about tough things in your life for hours while supportively listening. If an alpha woman was with a man as alpha as herself, there would ly be a lot of head-butting and jockeying for the position of leader within the family. Often, two alpha partners end up cheating on one another with LESS alpha partners who are more caretaking and less competitive.
Remember, too, that your “beta” husband may not be as beta as you think.
If you have been consistently disappointed in his lack of assertiveness or drive for years, you may have helped create a situation where he acts even more passive and depressed around you, as I describe here.
At work, or with other people, he may come off a lot more alpha than you would expect. Being around someone who looks down on you is not conducive to being your best, most attractive, and confident self, and that goes for either gender.
Another important point to think about is why you feel contemptuous of more “beta” people. Often, people who feel this way were raised by alpha dads (or moms) who openly condescended to people who weren’t go-getters or leaders.
Children often worship their alpha parents, and even prioritize getting their approval over getting the “easier” approval of their more “beta” (and consistently affectionate) parent.
Yet, as adults, these children of alphas they often have many insecurities related to being raised by alpha parents.
For example, classic alpha males often are absent from the home for long periods for their career, and, especially in earlier generations, alpha guys found it difficult, and maybe even unjust, to have to refuse all the women who found them attractive.
Many women who had unfaithful but very charming alpha/narcissist dads grow up wanting this same “bad boy” type, even as they intellectually recognize that this would be a terrible choice for the father of their children.
(This can result either in marrying the same type of guy as dad and then yearning pointlessly for him to become, ironically, more of a beta caretaker who only focuses on them, thereby fulfilling their imago fantasy, or marrying the beta and yearning for the alpha; these are the women I’m mainly speaking to in this post).
Not everyone is meant to be partnered with the leader of the wolf pack. There are many women who would find your more “beta”, attentive, supportive husband to be a real catch; I describe this here (but put “beta” where I put “sensitive”).
While of course people cannot force themselves to be attracted to something that isn’t attractive to them, there are many times when deeper introspection can effect a paradigm shift that allows you to see your relationship in a new way.
If you find yourself longing for a more alpha male, it can be useful to write out an objective list of the things that your current husband does for you that a more alpha guy might refuse to do, and an objective list of your own personality traits that may not appeal to the alpha of your dreams.
If you still want an alpha after all of that, then work on trying to become the more beta helpmeet that such a guy would need. This might actually allow your current husband to act more assertive and proactive.
And till we meet again, I remain, The Blogapist Who Says, There’s A Reason Rhett And Scarlet Didn’t Work Out.
Order Dr. Rodman’s newest book, 52 Emails to Transform Your Marriage and order her first book: How to Talk to Your Kids about Your Divorce: Healthy, Effective Communication Techniques for Your Changing Family
This blog is not intended as medical advice or diagnosis and should in no way replace consultation with a medical professional. If you try this advice and it does not work for you, you cannot sue me. This is only my opinion, my background, training, and experience as a therapist and person